


Splinter Hold

by rochke11



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Clexa, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Street Racing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-04
Updated: 2015-06-26
Packaged: 2018-04-02 19:03:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 42,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4071130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rochke11/pseuds/rochke11
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lexa has been street racing for six years.  It's how she met her girlfriend - now fiance, Clarke.  But the day Lexa proposes is the day she promises to give up racing for Clarke's sake.  She has one last race and then she's done.  But that last race ends badly, and suddenly Clarke is left dealing with something she never expected to happen, a Lexa who has no memory of who Clarke is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Last Race

**Author's Note:**

> Well here it is! A new multi-chap fic! And it looks like this one is going to be fun to write. It'll be long and angsty with a touch of fluff.

When Lexa proposed to Clarke, it was a simple affair. The two women were sitting on the couch in their living room one October Sunday afternoon, chatting, when Lexa pulled out the ring box that she’d been keeping on her person for weeks. She’d been waiting for the perfect moment to propose to her girlfriend of six years. As it turned out, sitting on the couch in old sweats, the room smelling like the Chinese food they’d ordered for lunch, was the perfect moment.  
In order to remove the ring box from her sweatpants pocket, Lexa had to remove Clarke’s legs from her lap, causing the blonde to pout. The pout turned to a look of confusion as the brunette opened the ring box under the blanket, removing the ring in a not so discreet manner.  
“What are you doing Lex?” Clarke asked as she scooted closer to the other girl.  
Lexa clutched the ring in her fist before grabbing Clarke’s legs, wrapping them around her and pulling her girlfriend closer to her. She unclenched her hand and held up the simple diamond ring to the other girl. “I know we’ve talked about this, so it’s not that much of a surprise, but I want all my Sunday afternoons to be lazy afternoons with the woman I love. I want to fall asleep beside you each night and have your sleepy face the first thing I see each morning for the rest of my life. I want to argue with you over who gets to be the cool mom, and find grey hairs on each other’s heads. I don’t feel like I need to ask this question, because I know the answer, but Clarke? Will you marry me?”  
Clarke squealed, and leaped forward, wrapping her arms around Lexa and hugging her before littering her face with kisses. “Yes! Yes! Yes!” she exclaimed, punctuating each words with a a kiss on Lexa’s lips.  
Lexa grinned in response and slipped the ring on Clarke’s finger. It fit perfectly, after all they’d discussed rings and engagement already. They’d also discussed Clarke’s one condition for their engagement. And that condition was the reason it had taken Lexa longer than anticipated to propose.  
“You’re done?” Clarke asked in a more serious tone, “You’re really done with it?”  
Lexa nodded honestly. “Yes. Yes Clarke, I promise I’m done. I have my last race tonight and I promise I’m done. You’re more important to me than racing.”  
“So you’re not done then?” Clarke’s heart dropped.  
Seeing the disappointment in her new fiancé’s face, Lexa placed her hands over Clarke’s, “It’s just one last race. And it’s not even a real race. There’s no money involved. It’s just me, Anya and Octavia. It doesn’t even really count.”  
Clarke held Lexa’s gaze and sighed, “I suppose that’s fine. But I’m serious Lex. If I’m promising the rest of my life to you, I want that promise to be until we’re old and senile, I don’t want to lose you.”  
“You won’t, I promise,” Lexa insisted. “Why don’t you come to the race? It’s just outside of town at the old drag. You haven’t seen me race in forever.”  
“That’s because it scares me shitless!”  
“It didn’t used to, you used to think it was sexy.”  
“I still think you’re sexy,” Clarke sighed before turning her slight frown in to a smile, “And if it will make you happy, since I know how much you love it, I’ll come watch your last race. And watch you crush Anya and Octavia. And then show off my sexy fiancé.”  
Lexa smiled in response, a smile that received a soft kiss in response, a kiss that became heated before it turned in to more. And before they knew it, it was dark out and time to head out of town for the race.  
The town of Polis was a relatively small one. It was more of a college town than anything else, with an old abandoned high school on the outskirts of it. And it was at that high school that the races took place. Sure, they were illegal and dangerous, but the police never showed up.  
“I’m so ready to get rid of this death trap,” Clarke spoke, slapping a hand on the hood of the car as she exited it at the abandoned school beside the two other race cars.  
“I already sold it to some Polis College kid,” Lexa smiled, “She’s watching the race tonight and handing me a check afterwards, taking the car right from us.”  
“Good,” Clarke smiled as she reached out her hand to Lexa who held it as they walked towards the growing group of spectators and competitors.  
As they reached the small crowed, one of the girls saw them approaching. She lifted her a hand to her forehead as if she was looking out in the distance. “Is that Clarke Griffin actually coming to a race?” Octavia gasped.  
The rest of the group turned, several exclaiming, “Clarke! Lexa!”  
Lexa waved with her free right hand and Clarke looked over to her fiancé and lifted up her left hand, showing off her new ring. “It’s not Clarke Griffin for long. You’re looking at the future Mrs. Clarke Woods.”  
Raven placed her hands over her ears as Octavia squealed and ran over to the newly engaged couple. She may have looked like a typical party girl with her glitzy tops, tight jeans and stiletto books, but Octavia was the assistant boxing coach at Polis College and was way stronger than she appeared. She pulled both Lexa and Clarke in to a big, nearly crushing them both in the process.  
By the time Octavia released the girls from the hug and planted a wet kiss on each of their foreheads, the rest of the group had gathered around them, offering their congratulations.  
After several minutes of offering congratulations and Clarke explaining the way Lexa had asked, Lexa interrupted the celebration. “Don’t we have a race to get started?” she asked.  
Everyone cheered in agreement and while Anya and Octavia headed to their cars, the rest of the group headed to the bleachers.  
“Please be safe,” Clarke pleaded, pulling her fiancé towards her. She wrapped her arms around her and rested their foreheads together.  
“I will be,” Lexa assured the blonde.  
“I mean it Lexa. Don’t do anything stupid. It’s not worth it.”  
“I love you too,” Lexa smiled, pressing a quick kiss to the other girl’s lips. It was something they said when the other didn’t necessarily say the words ‘I love you,’ but they said it in other ways.  
“Let’s get this race going!” Anya insisted from her car.  
“I love you,” Clarke whispered, letting go of Lexa and walking to join the others on the bleachers.  
When she reached the bleachers, Raven scooted over to make room for her. “How long has it been since you’ve been here?” Raven asked.  
Clarke glanced down at the brace on Raven’s leg, knowing exactly when the last time she’d watched a race was. “The last race I came to was your accident.”  
Raven grabbed Clarke’s hand, knowing that while the other girl was there supporting her fiancé, she’d stopped supporting the races over a year ago. “Lexa is good. She’s like crazy good. It’s why she always wins. And besides, it’s just Anya and Octavia she’s racing. It’s only three cars.”  
Clarke knew that Raven was right, and that the odds that something would go wrong were fairly small, but she was still nervous nonetheless.  
It wasn’t until the three women started revving their engines, ready to start the race, that Clarke was drawn back in to it. She remembered the years she spent on those very same bleachers, cheering on Lexa and her friends. She was never a racer herself, she was more of a groupie, but she’d loved race days. She remembered the adrenaline that came from it all. She used to think that street racing was a sexy sport. But she supposed that was mostly due to Lexa.  
Before she knew it, Lincoln had signaled the start of the race and the three cars sped off. She still thought that it was a little crazy that they were all gathered there for just one round of racing, but then again it was Lexa’s last race. All she had to do was make it around the three-quarter of a mile long loop three times.  
Lexa easily pulled ahead as they raced around the loop the first time, but halfway through the second loop, both Anya and Octavia were on her tail. Octavia pulled around Lexa’s right, ready to over take her.  
Clarke gripped Raven’s hand tightly, and out of the corner of her eye saw the brunette wince, but she didn’t voice any complaint.  
Lexa was clearly watching Octavia in her mirrors because she tapped on her gas pedal just slightly harder as she went around the bed one last time, ready to make it in to the home stretch. The thing about the course at the abandoned high school, however, was that it wasn’t perfectly round, and that the last curve was more of a sharp turn than anything else.  
Clarke so it happening before it happened. She didn’t know what had gone wrong, or how Lexa had taken the turn wrong when she’d driven that same turn hundreds of times before. But she did it wrong this time. Clarke dropped Raven’s hand right before it happened, but all she could do was watch in shock.  
She watched as Lexa’s car clipped the fence at the edge of the turn. She watched as it lurched forward, and seemingly in slow motion flipped over twice before landing upside down. She watched as Anya and Octavia’s cars quickly veered off in to the grass beside the track and stopped.  
Clarke registered what had happened before the rest of the spectators, but at the same time as Anya and Octavia, so she sprinted towards the flipped car at the same moment Anya and Octavia were exiting their own. She logically knew that everyone else was running behind her, but all she could think was that Lexa was inside that car.  
She knew right away that it was bad. Oil was leaking from the car and there was smoke. She knew it wasn’t long before it caught fire. She knew she had to stay away from the car. But she also knew that was the last thing she could do.  
Behind her she heard Lincoln on the phone with the 911 dispatcher, calling for an ambulance. The race might have been illegal, but they all had a pact to call for help if it was necessary. And right then, it was more than necessary.  
“Clarke! It’s not safe!” Octavia yelled, but Clarke ignored her as she sprinted to the driver’s side of the flipped car.  
The windows had shattered and Clarke was able to see in to the vehicle. Lexa was strapped in to her seat, upside down, with blood gushing from somewhere on her. All Clarke knew was that her fiancé was covered in blood and that she wasn’t conscious. She reached a shaky hand in, a hand that seemed to nearly forget all of its medical training, and searched for a pulse. Only her hand was shaking too much that it was useless.  
“Here, let me try,” came a voice beside her. Clarke turned and saw Anya. Anya pulled Clarke’s hand away, replacing it with her own. “She’s alive Clarke,” she reassured the girl, “It’s not a strong pulse, but it’s definitely there.”  
“We need to get her out,” Clarke sobbed, only then realizing that the reason her vision was cloudy was because of the tears streaming down her face. “The ambulance won’t get here before this thing catches fire,” she pointed to the smoke and leaking liquid.  
Anya nodded. Anya was the only other person in the world Clarke would have trusted Lexa’s life with. Because Anya was the only other person who loved Lexa even close to the way Clarke did.  
Clarke held Lexa’s shoulders steady as Anya reached in to the car, unbuckling her seatbelt. Then, carefully they managed to maneuver the girl’s body out through the window, cutting their arms with glass in the process.  
It was only a minute after they brought Lexa away from the car that it caught fire. And it was another five minutes before the ambulance arrived.

 

* * *

 

Clarke spent the night by Lexa’s bedside at the hospital, pleading for her to wake up. The doctors had sewn up the cuts sustained by both Clarke and Anya as well as Lexa and had set all the broken bones in the still unconscious girl’s body.  
They told Clarke that they weren’t certain Lexa would ever wake up, and that even if she did, she would likely have some form of brain damage as she’d hit her head on the steering wheel hard, several times.  
Clarke sat in the chair beside Lexa’s bed, unable to sleep. Octavia had volunteered to call Abby who promised she’d be on the first plane the next morning, while Anya called Lexa’s parents who immediately booked tickets on the next available train. Clarke held on to Lexa’s hand the entire night, spending hours staring at the ring on her own hand.  
It was just before noon the next morning when she felt Lexa’s hand twitch. At first she thought she’d imagined it, but then she looked up at the girl’s face and watched as her eyes fluttered. Clarke quickly stood up and pressed the nurse call button and yelled for someone to come in.  
A nurse and the doctor who had just started his rounds hurried in as Lexa opened her eyes. She blinked several times before widening her bright green eyes.  
“Lexa! You’re okay!” Clarke choked as she brought the girl in to a hug made awkward by slings and casts.  
Clarke pulled away and looked at the brunette with a hopeful smile, “How are you feeling love?” she asked.  
Lexa blinked several times once more before speaking in a low, hoarse voice as she looked directly in to Clarke’s piercing blue eyes, “Who are you?”


	2. A Silent Promise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa awakens to find herself in a room full of strangers

The first thing Lexa registered as she gained consciousness was the feeling of something soft and warm in her hand.  She squeezed it briefly, trying to determine what it was.  For several moments she had difficulty stringing together any train of thought, all she could focus on was the feeling of the…hand.  She determined it was a hand.  
As she deduced the source of the feeling, Lexa became more curious.  Everything was still dark, but she knew there were lights around her, flittering that same way thoughts were starting to litter their way in to her consciousness.  
She remained oddly calm as she proceeded to pick apart the thoughts that came through her head, but before she could analyze the thoughts, the soft hand was torn from her own.  She heard a voice muffled.  She didn’t know what it was saying.   
The light returned briefly and Lexa realized that her eyes were closed.  She decided to open them and slowly did so.  
She saw a woman dressed in a white coat first.  A doctor.  She supposed that made sense.  She must have been in a hospital.  Next to the doctor stood a young man, maybe a nurse?  Then she met the eyes of the source of the voice that had startled her.  
The woman had dark bags beneath teary blue eyes and mangled blonde hair, greasy and tangled.  She heard the blonde say her name.  She seemed to know her.  She awkwardly hugged her.  But Lexa couldn’t place her.  She looked to be in her mid-twenties, so likely several years older than Lexa.  How could she possible have known the woman?   
Lexa cleared her throat and in a voice hoarser than she’d anticipated she asked, “Who are you?”  
She watched the small hopeful smile drop from the blonde’s face as her head quickly turned to face the doctor before turning back to Lexa.  “Lex, honey, it’s me,” she tried to force a smile.  “It’s Clarke.”  
“Clarke,” Lexa spoke the name, hoping it would evoke a memory.  It didn’t.  “I don’t..I don’t…”  Lexa suddenly realized that the woman wasn’t the only thing she didn’t remember.  Most importantly, she couldn’t remember why it was that she was lying in a hospital bed surrounded by strangers.  If she’d gotten injured wouldn’t her parents be around?  Where were they?  Where was Tris?  Costia.  Where was Costia?  
Lexa struggled to sit upright as panic came over her.  She swiveled her head around the room trying in vain to find a familiar face.  
“Lexa, please sweetie, you’re okay.  You got in to an accident is all,” Clarke pleaded.  
The doctor gestured for Clarke to take a step away from the bed as she approached Lexa.  Lexa calmed slightly as Clarke stepped away.  At least she wasn’t expected to know who the doctor was.  Or at least, she didn’t think so.  
“Lexa, Clarke is right you’re safe here,” she assured.  Lexa glanced down at the name sewn in to the woman’s jacket.  It read Dr. Caris Knight.  “I know that you probably don’t remember the accident, but do you think you could answer a few questions for me?”  
Lexa nodded cautiously.  
“Why don’t you tell me a little bit about yourself?  Just some basics, name, age, et. Cetera,.” Dr. Knight asked.  
Lexa took a deep breath and nodded before speaking again.  She could do that.  Those were easy answers.  She avoided Clarke’s nervous gaze and instead focused on the doctor’s more serene looking one.  “My name is Alexandria Woods and I’m eighteen years old.  I’m a senior at TonDC High School and I’m going to Polis College next fall.  My parents’ names are Cleo and Patrick Woods and I have a younger sister named Tris.  She’s eleven.  Is that okay?”  
The brunette watched as the doctor’s brow furrowed slightly.  “Can you tell me the last thing you remember Lexa?”  
Lexa briefly wondered why everyone was calling her Lexa.  Sure, that was her nickname and the name she intended to go by when she started college, but most people still called her Alexandria.  She shook the question from her thoughts and began to think back to the last thing she remembered.  “Well it’s spring break.  The last thing I remember was going to go pick up Costia from her house so we could go out on her boat together.”  
Clarke gasped and let out a soft sob.  
“Did I not make it there?” Lexa asked quickly.  “Did I get in to a car accident on my way to go get her?”  
Lexa tried to ignore the shaking of the stranger’s shoulders as she sobbed.  The nurse tried to comfort Clarke while Lexa stared intently at the doctor.  “Please tell me what happened,” she pleaded, “Where are my parents?  Where’s Costia?  Why is there some random woman crying in my room?”  
Dr. Knight asked one last question, “Lexa, can you please tell me the date?”  
“It’s April 18th 2008, or maybe the 19th, I’m not sure how long I’ve been out.” she replied to the obvious question.  
Dr. Knight shook her head in response, “Lexa I’m sorry, it’s October 12th.  2015.”  
Lexa responded to the doctor’s statement with a blank look.  She had no idea how to respond.

 

* * *

 

With puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks Clarke explained to Cleo, Patrick and Tris everything she knew about Lexa’s condition while Lexa received another CT scan. Anya had picked them up from the train station and they’d arrived at the hospital just moments after Nurse Miller had taken Lexa up to imaging. She didn’t cry as she spoke to them though, it seemed like her body was now incapable of producing more tears.  
Cleo pulled Clarke in to a tight embrace assuring her that Lexa would get her memory back. Lexa’s mom was only a middle school art teacher, but her words comforted Clarke nevertheless.  
Before long Lexa was back in her room and her parents went in to visit her while Clarke remained in the waiting area with Tris. Their friends had all spent the night in the waiting room, but Clarke had sent them home after learning that Lexa had no idea who any of them were, but promised to keep them updated. Dr. Knight had suggested that Tris remain with Clarke in the waiting room at first, because while Cleo and Patrick hadn’t changed too much in the past years, Tris had grown from a scrawny, braces-wearing eleven-year-old to a much more mature eighteen-year-old and seeing her grown up would probably be jarring to Lexa.  
Clarke sat in the seat next to Lexa’s sister, the two of them holding hands silently until Tris seemingly out of nowhere bolted straight up in her seat, exclaiming, “Clarke!”  
The blonde snapped out of her trance and stared at the girl.  
Without missing a beat, Tris reached over Clarke’s body and grabbed her left hand, pulling it towards her. “She proposed!” she squealed, sounding almost like it didn’t matter that her sister had no memory of her fiancé.  
“Yesterday afternoon,” Clarke conceded, “We were going to call you guys after the race. I guess it doesn’t matter now.”  
“That’s not true,” Tris held Clarke’s hand in her’s. “You know, she sent me about a dozen pictures of rings. She was totally useless when it came to picking one out on her own.”  
“Really?” Clarke asked with a hint of a smile. Lexa hadn’t yet told her about picking out the ring and hearing something about the woman she loved that she didn’t yet know made her excited.  
“Oh yeah,” Tris nodded. “She went to like a million jewelers in both Polis and all the surrounding towns and FaceTimed me half the time because she didn’t want to bring Anya because Anya’s a little shit and would probably spill the beans. Her words, not mine. Anyway, she’d just about given up, ready to just ask you to go ring shopping with her, when she drove passed an estate sale.”  
“And she stopped?” Clarke asked, mystified. Clarke loved estate sales, but whenever she would drag Lexa to one, all Lexa would do was comment on how weird it was.  
“You shoulda heard her,” Tris grinned, “She bromanced real hard with this middle-aged woman who was selling her in-laws’ house and pretty much everything that was in it. Apparently there was some secret room in the attic she’d found with a shit ton of stuff in it. So anyway, everything in there belonged to her father-in-law’s first wife who died pretty young. And in that room was this ring.” Tris gestured to the ring on Clarke’s hand. “She knew right away it was for you. And when I asked her about it, she refused to send me a picture. Said the next one to see it was going to be you.”  
Clarke leaned over to Tris and pulled her in to a hug. “Thank you Tris. I’m really glad you’re here.”  
Tris grinned against Clarke’s shoulder, “Well I figured my sister and future sister-in-law are more important than college applications.”  
Clarke finally let out a laugh and started discussing Tris’ thoughts on college until Nurse Miller came to get Tris.  
By the time Abby arrived at the hospital, it was nearly dinnertime. She sat with Clarke and quelled her worries as only a mother who was a doctor could. She explained that while Lexa would likely never remember the accident, odds were that she would regain her memory.  
Finally, Lexa’s family emerged from Lexa’s room and while Patrick led Tris to the cafeteria, Cleo approached Clarke and Abby who stood up. Abby hugged Cleo as Clarke asked, “How’s she doing?”  
“Well Dr. Knight seems to think it’s a good sign that she’s remembered everything that’s happened since she woke up. She thinks Lexa might eventually make a full recovery,” Cleo explained.  
“But,” Clarke took a deep breath, “How is she really doing? I mean, how is she taking it all?”  
“Better than I would have expected, but our Lexa is strong,” Cleo rubbed a hand reassuringly on Clarke’s shoulder. “She’s experiencing Costia’s death now for a second time so that’s making everything even harder. But she wants to meet you, I mean.” Cleo sighed, searching for the right words, “We sort of explained the last seven years to her, but we weren’t with her for them. And there’s no way to even briefly describe them without her knowing you. Because you are part of her Clarke. And she wants to know you.”  
“I’m scared,” Clarke gulped as she looked towards Lexa’s open hospital door.  
“She’s still your Lexa,” Abby reassured her daughter, “She’ll always be your Lexa.”  
“I can’t lose her,” Clarke’s voice shook as she spoke.  
“You won’t,” both older women spoke simultaneously.  
“Nurse Miller just brought in two trays of food in to her room, why don’t you go in there and talk to her,” Cleo suggested.  
Clarke nodded before feeling the weight of the ring on her finger. She clutched it with her right hand, drawing Cleo and Abby’s attention to it, her eyes tearing up in the process.  
“Oh baby,” Abby sighed before enveloping her daughter in a hug that Cleo quickly joined.  
“I knew she was going to ask, I didn’t realize she had. Clarke this must be so hard for you,” Cleo cooed. “But you know we’re here for you too, don’t you?”  
Clarke nodded in response. She had spent a lot of time with Cleo and Patrick over the past few years and had come to regard them as a second set of parents. She supposed they would be if Lexa regained her memory and they eventually got married.  
Realizing the enormous meaning that came with the ring, Clarke slipped it off her finger and stowed it in her pocket. “I don’t want to make things more complicated for her,” she explained.  
Cleo and Abby exchanged nervous glances, but ultimately nodded in agreement.  
“I’ll tell her when the time is right,” Clarke continued before looking back at the half-open door. “Well, here goes nothing,” she sighed before leaving Cleo and Abby and approaching the door.  
She knocked lightly on the door and entered after Lexa told her to. Awkwardly, she waited in the entryway until Lexa spoke. “Do you want to come sit down? Nurse Miller brought us both some food.”  
As Clarke moved towards the seat beside Lexa’s bed, she observed the girl. Even with one arm in a cast and bandages covering her head and exposed skin, Lexa was sitting perfectly poised and Clarke knew right away the Lexa she was dealing with. The Lexa in front of her was one she hadn’t seen in years. It was the Lexa from when they first met. The one who was too formal around everyone, the one afraid to get close. And she suspected, the one who thought love was weakness.  
“I apologize for my seemingly odd behavior earlier, I was rude to you.”  
Yes, thought Clarke, she definitely knew this girl. This girl wasn’t her fiance, but she was the girl she learned to fall in love with. “It’s not your fault Lex,” she reassured her.  
“I know now that I’m supposed to know you, but you’re a stranger to me.”  
The words hurt Clarke more than she expected them to.  
“But I also know that you are not really a stranger. And that I’m certainly no stranger to you,” Lexa continued. “Clarke.” She spoke, as if testing the way the name sounded coming from her mouth.  
“I already miss you.” The words fell out of Clarke’s mouth before she could even think the sentence through.  
There was a brief moment of silence before Lexa interrupted it. “Can you tell me everything?” she asked, before clarifying, “I mean, could you tell me the story of us? Maybe start with how we met?”  
Clarke nodded easily. That she could do. She would do anything for Lexa and she knew if the roles were reversed, Lexa would do the same for her. And as she looked at the girl in front of her, the girl who had no memories of the past nearly seven years of their, she made herself a silent promise to tell Lexa everything. She would be there for Lexa through every moment of her recovery, and fill in the gaps in her memory until it returned.  
So Clarke began with the story of how they met, “It was homecoming weekend our freshman year. Nearly seven years ago to the day in fact. I was studying for a midterm, a total nerd with barely any friends when my roommate Octavia insisted I attend a race with her, one that a senior in her Health and Exercise class had invited her to. I, of course, had no idea what kind of race she meant, but was eventually convinced in to attending. Little did I know as I got in Octavia’s car with her that I was about to fall head over heels for one of the novice racers…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So my goal is to update this every day if that's cool with everyone. I think this is going to be longer than my other two multi-chap fics, but I'm really excited to get in to the meat of the story
> 
> as always, comments and constructive thoughts are always appreciated
> 
> madgirlbackhome.tumblr.com


	3. The Bet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke recounts her first encounter with Lexa

_It was homecoming weekend our freshman year. Nearly seven years ago to the day in fact. I was studying for a midterm, a total nerd with barely any friends when my roommate Octavia insisted I attend a race with her, one that a senior in her Health and Exercise class had invited her to. I, of course, had no idea what kind of race she meant, but was eventually convinced in to attending. Little did I know as I got in Octavia’s car with her that I was about to fall head over heels for one of the novice racers._   
_The thing you need to know about freshman-fall me, was that I never went out and partied. I was pre-med and more focused on school than anything else. Sure, I was friends with my roommate Octavia, but we were randomly assigned to live together. I didn’t pick her. But in many ways she picked me. She could have lived her life with her own friends and ignored me, but instead she always included me in her plans. While I generally declined her offers, I had occasionally gone to meals with her friends and knew most of them to some extent. They were quite the crowd._   
_I’d vaguely remembered Jasper and Monty talking about the abandoned school and racetrack once at dinner, but hadn’t really focused on their conversation. They two boys were never apart and always finished each other’s sentences, so I was more focused on trying to remember which was which._   
_We parked down the road from the track and walked up to the abandoned school. Wait until you see it, again, you’ll see what I mean when I say that it’s creepy. It’s the kind of place you’d never want to find yourself alone in. The place where horror stories happen. You’re actually the one that brought up the fact that it was kinda like Sunnydale High in the series finale of Buffy._   
_Oh shit. You probably don’t remember Buffy. I introduced you to it. Don’t worry, I’ll re-watch it with you._   
_Okay, getting off topic. So anyway, when we got to the bleachers, Octavia ran towards her friends, forcing me to run after her awkwardly, and before long Lincoln arrived and she was pretty much focused on nothing but him._   
_I’d never been to a street race before, so I asked Jasper to explain it all. Basically there were a series of races and a point system based on the amount of races each car was in and how many people they were competing with. I honestly still didn’t understand, but it was easy to be drawn in to the hype. And what a hype there was._   
_I’m not sure why there was a big street racing culture at Polis College, but there was, and the bleachers were filled with students and special racing cars waited on the track. There were around fifteen competitors that day._   
_Even though I didn’t really understand the scoring system, it was pretty easy to tell who the best racers were. And before I knew it, the events were almost over and it was time for the final race._   
_“These are the cream of the crop here,” Jasper explained. “They’re like racing royalty here.”_   
_“There actually also all pretty good friends,” Lincoln explained, his arm wrapped around Octavia._   
_“Do you know them?” I asked, as the four cars lined up based on their points. They were the top four competitors and were close enough in their scores that any of the four had a chance to win._   
_Lincoln nodded and offered more information, “Bellamy is a senior like me, my freshman roommate actually. Then Raven and Anya are sophomores. Raven and Bellamy are actually dating and Lexa’s a freshman who came out of nowhere, but she and Anya are best friends.”_   
_I nodded at his explanation, but because he hadn’t explained which car belonged to who, I had no idea which you were. “Who’s in which car?” I asked, causing Lincoln to smirk._   
_He looked between Octavia, Jasper and I before offering a suggestion, “Why don’t we each pick a car that we think will win.”_   
_“But you actually know these guys, you know who’s likely to win,” I pointed out the unfairness of the situation._   
_Of course at the same time I was speaking, Octavia had put on her flirty wiles and had asked, “So what does the winner get?”_   
_“Bragging rights,” Lincoln shrugged._   
_That in itself was good enough for the rest of them, but I had one stipulation, “Lincoln picks his car last.”_   
_Jasper and Octavia easily agreed to my stipulation and I let them pick first. Octavia picked the black car, Jasper the black and yellow, Lincoln the dark blue and I picked the dark red. The dark red was seeded last, but I always rooted for the underdog._   
_We cheered like crazy as you sped around the track. I thank God every day that I chose to root for the underdog, because in the last stretch of the race, that red car sped in just passed the dark blue. Apparently, I was the only one who was rooting for the underdog, because as the car crossed the finish line, my cheers were the only ones._   
_I continued to cheer, glad not only that I had won a bet with my friends, but also that the underdog had one. The cars all came to a stop and I watched as the winning driver exited her car._   
_God Lexa, I can still picture you stepping out of that car like it was yesterday. Your hair was wild and curly and you were dressed in all black with a red leather jacket. As you caught my eye, your sole cheerleader, the cheer caught in my throat and the only thing I could focus on was the way your lips turned up in a slight smile._   
_You waved at me and I think a part of me fell in love with you right there._   
_“Who. Is. She?” I managed to stammer, causing everyone around me to start laughing. Clearly I wasn’t being subtle._   
_“That’s Lexa,” Lincoln offered, “She’s a bit of a lone wolf. She hangs out with the rest of the racers, but I don’t think she’s close to any of them other than Anya. And she’s very gay.”_   
_I knew I was grinning at Lincoln’s words, but right then I didn’t care what they thought. I only wanted to meet you._   
_And meet you I would. As the cars were all cleared from the track, kegs were rolled on to replace them. Friday nights at Polis College meant racing, followed by beer. As the winner I was automatically excused from being designated driver and Lincoln offered to stay sober._   
_After a few beers I was fairly tipsy, but everywhere I looked, I couldn’t find you. I’d just about resigned myself to the belief that you’d gone home when I ran in to you. I yes, I do literally mean ran in to you. I was so busy swiveling my head, searching for you, that I wasn’t looking where I was walking. And you were standing there, staring at your phone._   
_“Shit! I’m sorry!” I stammered as I realized who I’d just run in to._   
_You smirked at me and I had to force myself not to stare at your lips. “You were the one cheering for me when I won,” you said._   
_I nodded and introduced myself, “I’m Clarke.”_   
_“Lexa,” you returned._   
_From the distance I saw Anya before I heard her yell, “Lexa hurry the hell up! Indra is here and going to leave without us, leaving us stranded here if we don’t get in the car now. Bring the girl if you have to!”_   
_You looked back at your friend before speaking to me. “Sorry, she’s right, I really do have to go.”_   
_I’d expected you to leave me there with no qualms, but you didn’t. You looked reluctant to follow Anya. You were reluctant. You told me later that once you did get in the car, you gave Anya the silent treatment before going off on her about it._   
_“I wish I’d found you right after the race instead of right before I’m leaving,” you spoke honestly._   
_I knew from past experience that I wasn’t the best at flirting, and that most people never thought I was in to girls, so I knew that before you left I needed to be a little bit more obvious. “Maybe this just gives us an excuse to see each other again then,” was my lame attempt at flirting._   
_You chuckled, but nodded anyway. “How could I say no to a pretty good who cheered on the underdog?” I blushed and you wasted no time pulling my phone from out of my back pocket. You programed in your phone number and handed it back to me. “Text me,” you said before turning to head after Anya whose arms were crossed and was tapping her foot impatiently._   
_I watched you walk away before realizing I was awkwardly standing there alone. I smiled to myself before running off in search of Octavia. For once, I was ready to really call her my friend, because I knew all I wanted to do was tell her about my conversation with you._   
_We went on our first date the next night. And holy shit was it an awful first date._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it's a bit short! I wanted to make sure I got something up tonight, but tomorrow's chapter will definitely be longer :)
> 
> madgirlbackhome.tumblr.com


	4. Cold Sesame Noodles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa comes home from the hospital

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not posting yesterday! I made this one longer because of that :)

Stabilized and with no discernible difference made in Lexa’s memory, Dr. Knight insisted that Lexa would likely be more comfortable and make more headway at home. So the morning after Lexa’s second night in the hospital, Clarke brought her some clothes from home to change in to before they left the hospital. It had been Clarke’s first time back to their home since the accident, opting to stay in the hotel room with her mom instead of going home alone.  
While home, Clarke had opted to spruce up the place, as they’d left it fairly messy before leaving for the race, and after finding the ring box in Lexa’s sweatpants pocket, she’d placed her engagement ring in it before hiding it in her sock drawer.  
Clarke had given the clothes to Tris who helped Lexa dress while Clarke stood outside the room. She’d desperately wanted to be the one helping Lexa, but knew that she was being more of a help by not overwhelming her. While Clarke may have known every curve and mark on Lexa’s body, Lexa barely knew Clarke and would feel uncomfortable changing in front of her.  
“How long have we lived together?” Lexa asked after Tris had told Clarke it was okay to come in again.  
The memory of when she asked Lexa to move in with her quickly went through Clarke’s brain, causing her to smile while she responded, “Officially we moved in together our senior year at Polis, but by that point we’d been dating for nearly three years had spent practically every night together, alternating dorm rooms.” Clarke blushed, only then remembering that Lexa’s lack of memories made the second half of her sentence somewhat awkward.  
“I see,” Lexa nodded.  
“We moved in to our current apartment after we graduated and started working,” Clarke continued, giving further explanation, “We’ve been living there about three and half years. And were uhh…” Clarke paused, “We were starting to look in to maybe buying a house.” They’d talked about it in the same conversations they brought up marriage in and Clarke wasn’t ready to tell that to Lexa.  
“Here in Polis?” Lexa asked. She’d never expected to stay in Polis past the four years of college, and here she was being told that she’d already lived an additional three years in her college town, with plans to stay for the long term.  
Clarke nodded, “Well both our jobs are here and we kind of love it.” Clarke knew that Lexa had grown up in a small town and had grown up wanting to eventually move to the city, but she also knew that Lexa had grown to love the small, college-town appeal that Polis offered. She just hoped that Lexa would remember it.  
“Right, jobs,” Lexa furrowed her brow in confusion. “I don’t know what my job is.”  
“I’m a physical therapist and you’re the assistant principal at Polis High School. You were a history teacher there until this year, that’s when you became assistant principal,” Clarke provided Lexa with the answer to her question.  
“Really?” the brunette asked, incredulous. She’d never expected to be a teacher or principal, she’d always thought she would become a politician or a lawyer. She couldn’t deny the fact that she was disappointed.  
Just as Clarke was about to give Lexa a little more background on her job, when Nurse Miller appeared with the wheelchair Lexa would be going home in. With a broken arm and leg, it was Lexa’s only option and Clarke didn’t mind pushing her in it.  
After lunch with Abby and the Woods, Clarke drove them to the airport and train station respectively, as Tris was in the middle of midterms and Abby had to get back to work. By the time they returned to their home, it was nearly six in the evening.  
As Clarke pushed Lexa’s wheelchair through the door to their apartment, Lexa laughed, “So let me get this straight. We went on our first date the day after we met and not only were you late, but you also managed to push me in to a freezing cold lake? And somehow I was the one who asked you out on the second date?”  
Shutting the door behind her, Clarke laughed in return. She’d been so embarrassed about that date for the first year of their relationship, but had since gotten over it. Now it was more entertaining than anything else. “You’re excuse for asking me out on that second date was that it wasn’t fair that I’d seen you strip, because you had to after you got soaked, but you hadn’t seen me strip.”  
Both women blushed at Clarke’s statement.  
“So this is home then.” Lexa stated, turning her head to take in the apartment.  
“Yep!” Clarke popped the ‘p’ at the end of the word while she wheeled Lexa into the apartment. “It’s simple, but its worked well for us.” She quickly gave Lexa the tour of the kitchen, living room, bedroom and guest room.  
“There’s a lot of art on the wall,” Lexa observed as Clarke wheeled her back in to the living room.  
At Lexa’s statement, Clarke blushed, “You picked them out. You decided which ones to put where.”  
“Really?” Lexa looked shocked at Clarke’s statement. “No offense, but I find that hard to believe. I don’t know anything about art. I wouldn’t even know where to find art for sale.”  
The blonde smiled in response, finding Lexa’s statement cute. “I painted them all Lex. You just decided which ones we kept and which ones we gave to our friends.”  
“You painted all of these?” she asked incredulously, causing Clarke to smile.  
“I did. And if it weren’t for the fact that Octavia practically begged for some of them, you would have made us keep them all.”  
“Well I can see why,” Lexa’s gaze returned to the paintings on the wall. The paintings in the living room were all landscapes of places around Polis, both the town and the college. Clarke made a mental note to hide the sketchbooks that were currently sitting on the table in the living room. She didn’t want to make Lexa uncomfortable with what was in them.  
“What do you say we order some Chinese food and I can continue filling you in on everything,” Clarke suggested.  
“That sounds great Clarke,” Lexa nodded.  
Thankfully, their favorite Chinese restaurant was just down the road and the food was delivered in less than twenty minutes. After it arrived, Clarke wheeled Lexa in to the living room and helped her on to the couch.  
After spooning out their meals on to two plates, Clarke brought them in to the living room, handing Lexa her plate and chopsticks before sitting on the couch next to her.  
“Cold sesame noodles, pork dumplings and General T’so’s chicken,” Clarke proclaimed, “It took us forever to find a combination that we both loved.”  
“I don’t think I’ve ever had cold sesame noodles before,” Lexa furrowed her brow as she poked the noodles with her chopsticks, “I mean. Not that I remember.”  
Clarke nodded, understanding, “Neither had I. In fact, we tried them for the first time on our second date.”  
“That sounds like a very convenient segue,” Lexa cocked an eyebrow before breaking apart her chopsticks, looking at them in confusion.  
“You okay?” Clarke asked. It was Lexa’s right arm that was broken, but Lexa was a lefty so it shouldn’t have been a problem. Then Clarke realized what exactly the problem was. A wave of understanding passed over her face, “You don’t remember how to use chopsticks.”  
Lexa nodded.  
“Let me show you,” Clarke offered. “Like this,” she showed the brunette the way she was holding her chopsticks.  
Lexa struggled to hold the wooden sticks the way Clarke was showing, so Clarke dropped her own and reached over to Lexa. She moved the sticks in to the right position, her hand lingering on Lexa’s. Clarke looked up at the brunette and found her intelligent green eyes trained on her.  
She pulled her hand away slowly, looking down at her food and beginning to stuff it in her mouth.  
“So you left off with us getting back to campus after our first date,” Lexa spoke after taking a few bites of her meal.  
“Well, I was a total dweeb and let you walk away. And because I fucked up the date so much, I figured kissing you was off the table.”  
“But obviously there was a second date,” Lexa prodded, desperate to hear more about the life she had no memory of.  
“There’s something you need to know about our second date, before I tell you about it,” Clarke spoke softly. She wasn’t sure Lexa would be up for it considering the fact that there was a part of her brain who thought she’d been with Costia only days earlier.  
“What?”  
“That was when you told me about Costia.”  
“Oh.”  
“We don’t have to talk about her. I know how hard it is for you.”  
Lexa shook her head, swallowing another bite of chicken, “No. I think talking about her would help. She’s been dead for over seven years. And I need to accept that.”  
Clarke recognized Lexa’s stoic response, and as much as she wanted to break through it, she knew that taking things slowly was more important.  
“Tell me about it. I want to know everything. I have to,” it almost sounded like she was pleading.  
“So it was the weekend after our first date,” Clarke began, “And it was cold as fuck.”

 

* * *

 

_In all honesty, after the disaster that was our first date, I wasn’t expecting to ever hear from you again. So color me surprised when only a few days later I got a text from you that said something along the lines of “date number 2? this time, I’ll organize. no lakes.”_   
_So that next weekend I was wearing a thin sweater and jeans, without a jacket, not wanting to ruin my outfit as I waited outside my dorm building for you. You picked me up in a jeep, red like your race car._   
_“Should I have to worry about the cops pulling us over for speeding with you behind the wheel?” I asked with a smirk as I hoped in to the passenger side._   
_“Not outside the racetrack Clarke,” you laughed in response. “And hello to you too.”_   
_You were wearing that same red leather jacket you’d been wearing the first night we met. God I miss that jacket. Sexy as hell it was on you. Anyway, getting off topic._   
_“So where are we going?” I finally asked, “I mean I know we’re not going to a lake.”_   
_“Right here,” you said as we pulled up to Wild Ginger Restaurant. Which, actually, is the same place we ordered from tonight._   
_“Chinese food?” I asked with a grin, “You really do know the way to a girl’s heart.”_   
_We sat down at our table and spent forever looking at the menus. At that time, I always tried something knew from every Chinese restaurant I went to, and after I told you that, you decided you’d try something new as well. So we picked cold sesame noodles._   
_“So what made you decide to get in to racing?” I asked after the waiter returned with our beers._   
_“By roommate, Anya, she grew up a couple towns over and has always been in to the racing thing. She got me in to it during orientation week and I guess I just liked it from the moment I first started,” you explained. Even then I barely knew you, but I could tell that there was more to it than that._   
_You quickly moved away from the topic and moved on to safer topics. We talked about our hometowns and our families. And it wasn’t until after we finished eating and had ordered a third round of drinks that I got up the courage to ask you about it._   
_“What’s it like?” I asked, “Racing, I mean.”_   
_You must have warmed up to me at that point, because you were a lot more forthcoming. “It’s like leaving everything behind. It’s a rush of a thrill. It’s amazing.”_   
_“It sounds like you really love it,” I said. “I mean, you’ve only been racing a few months and clearly you fell in love with it quickly.”_   
_You were silent for several long moments, moments I wondered if I said the wrong thing, before you spoke again. “I was in a boating accident last April.” I briefly wondered where you were going with that statement, but allowed you to explain. I had the feeling it was important. And it was. “It was spring break and my best friend and I were going out on her boat. We lived near a big lake and went out on her boat all the time when the weather allowed. Only, neither of us had checked the weather forecast for the day. It was nice in the morning and we had just assumed it would stay that way. Only, it didn’t. It was late afternoon when the storm seemed to come out nowhere. We were thrown from the boat, neither of us wearing life jackets. We thought we were too good for them. I managed to get back on the boat, but she didn’t I tried to find her. I tried to save her. But she drowned. She died. Costia died.”_   
_I reached over and grabbed your hands, running my thumb over them in reassuring circles. Just like this. Like I am right now._   
_“She was my first love. I never told her, that I loved her. That I was in love with her. But I think she knew. It was hard without her, we’d grown up together. It was like a piece of me was missing. Racing fills that void.”_   
_I asked you to tell me about her, about Costia. And for another hour, you talked about growing up with her, next door neighbors. You told me about how you realized you were in love with her, and how when you came out to her she hugged you and said she had suspected as much._   
_Before we both knew it, we were in your car, parked outside of my dorm. You offered to walk me to the front door of the building and I let you._   
_“Well this is me,” I laughed when we got to the door._   
_“Yes it is,” you responded._   
_“So I think we can settle which of us can plan the better date.”_   
_You laughed and it sounded like a piece of heaven and my eyes were drawn like magnets to your mouth. I knew you saw where my eyes were drawn and you stepped closer to me. “I think the biggest problem with the date you planned Clarke,” you spoke, “was that it didn’t end with a kiss.”_   
_At that statement my eyes quickly darted away from your mouth and up to meet your eyes. I made the decision then, leaned forward, and kissed you._

 

* * *

 

It wasn’t until Clarke finished her story that she realized she was still running her thumb over Lexa’s hand and that she had shifted closer to her until their legs were brushing. She pulled out of the memory of the night as she pulled away from Lexa, giving her from space.  
“I don’t remember the boating accident,” Lexa spoke. “And even though I miss Costia, that feeling that I described to you on our second date, I don’t feel it. I don’t feel a void.”  
“Maybe there’s a part of you that still remembers that you’ve recovered from that feeling,” Clarke suggested, while silently hoping that was a good thing, hoping that there was a part of Lexa that remembered what it felt like to love someone else. To love her.  
“Maybe,” Lexa returned before stifling a yawn.  
“You’re exhausted, I’m sure,” Clarke quickly stood, bringing their plated to the kitchen. “It’s already eleven and you’re still recovering from major injuries. I can’t believe I let you keep me talking for so long.”  
Clarke looked back at Lexa who had stood while she’d walked in to the kitchen. With a broken right arm and left leg, she was struggling to balance and was leaning on the armrest of the couch. As Clarke readied to get Lexa’s pajamas for her, she realized she wasn’t sure what the correct sleeping arrangements were with a fiancé who didn’t remember anything of her relationship with her.  
“Why don’t I help you get in to our room, I can sleep in the guest room,” Clarke finally came to the most logical solution.  
“Don’t be silly,” Lexa shook her head. “I was dumb enough to get in to a car accident, and I’m the one without the memories. I’ll sleep in the guest room. I’m not going to kick you out of your room.” Before Clarke could bring up the fact that it was Lexa’s room as well, the brunette continued, “To me, both rooms are foreign so it doesn’t really matter to me. It’s not like I have any reason to be more comfortable in one over the other.”  
Clarke tried to tell herself that Lexa’s words didn’t hurt, but instead of responding verbally, she simply nodded before helping Lexa in to the guest room.  
They said goodnight to each other and Clarke got in to her own bed. She settled on her side of the bed, the right side, but quickly scooted over to Lexa’s usual side. She couldn’t remember a night she’d spent alone in that bed. Even when she and Lexa had gotten in to arguments, usually about racing, they would sleep in the same bed. After a fight they would go to bed, staying on opposites sides of the mattress, but would always wake up the next morning entangled in each other’s arms.  
Clarke pulled Lexa’s pillow close to her nose. It still smelled like Lexa. It still smelled like her fiancé, and not the girl who smelled like the hospital. She gripped the pillow tight, not caring that it was growing wet with her tears.  
She finally fell asleep, but it was not a peaceful sleep. It was a sleep interrupted by the first of the nightmares that would plague her for weeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed :)  
> madgirlbackhome.tumblr.com


	5. Braless and Broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raven and Octavia come to visit

Clarke is wearing light up sneakers. She jumps in a puddle and laughs as she see them light up. She’s running and she has no cares in the world. The sun is shining and birds are singing. Then the sky grows dark. Clouds start rolling in and as soon as the first crack of thunder hits, Clarke finds cover behind a slide on a playground.  
“Clarke, I’m scared,” comes a familiar voice.  
Clarke is scared of the storm, but she looks around the slide regardless. She sees him there alone. “Wells?” she asks. Her voice sounds young and she sees how young he is. He’s the oldest there that he’s ever been and he’s only nine.  
“Clarke, I’m scared,” he repeats.   
The blonde watches as he friend’s face seems to sag, his eyes are too big and his cheekbones too pronounced. “Wells, don’t be scared. I’m here.”  
“I don’t want to die,” he croaks.  
From behind the slide, Clarke stands and rushes towards her friend. She just about reaches him when he disappears. “Wells?” she cries.  
The ground grows further away from her as she keeps running. “Where you running too so fast buttercup?”  
Clarke’s feet stop abruptly, her head whipping around. “Daddy? Daddy is that you?”  
“‘Course is, who else would it be?” he laughed in return.   
“I miss you Daddy,” she returned, walking towards him.  
“What’re you talking bout buttercup? I’m here, I’m always here.” As he opens up his arms to her, red spots start to appear on his shirt.  
“Daddy?” Clarke’s voice gets caught in her throat as she watches the red spots grow and the smile fades from her father’s face. She rushes towards him as he collapses to the ground, but as soon as she reaches him, it’s not his body on the ground, but rather a young woman’s body.  
The woman groans and Clarke holds her shoulders down. “Don’t move. Don’t move Raven,” Clarke pleads. The brunette twists and Clarke let’s out a sharp cry. “It’s your spine Raven! It your spine. Please don’t move. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”  
Clarke looks down at Raven’s brown eyes until they turn green. They are green and now belong to another woman. The eyes are open and dead.  
Clarke wakes with a sharp sob, sitting up abruptly in bed. She catches her breath as she realizes it was all a dream. Again. It was the same dream she’d had every night since she first returned home with Lexa, over a week ago.  
She looks to the side of her, half-hoping it was all a dream. But when she realizes that she’s staring at her empty side of the bed, she knows it’s not. Sighing, Clarke gets out of bed and walks out of the room in to the living room, not bothering to put on a bra.  
She isn’t surprised that Lexa is already awake. Working as a physical therapist Clarke had some control over her work schedule and still hadn’t returned to work since the accident, so she hadn’t had any reason to get up early. Lexa was always awake before she was. It took some getting used to for Clarke. The old Lexa was always awake before Clarke during the week, but on the weekends Clarke had to pry her out of bed. Clarke would have to bribe Lexa with promises of brunch, or a kiss, or…  
“Good morning Clarke,” Lexa greeted her. Clarke hoped Lexa couldn’t tell what she was thinking about.   
“Morning,” Clarke returned as she sat next to Lexa at the island. Reaching up in to the cabinet for cereal Clarke’s shirt rose, but she paid no attention to it until Lexa cleared her throat.  
“Clarke, you’re uhh, not wearing a bra and…” she stumbled through her half-formed sentence.  
“Shit, sorry,” Clarke muttered in return.   
It wasn’t the first time Clarke had done something without thinking about the fact that Lexa might be uncomfortable about it. She’d already peed with the bathroom door open twice and drank straight out of the orange juice container more than once.  
“Whatchya looking at?” the blonde asked in between bites of dry cereal. They were out of milk.  
Lexa slid over the book she was looking at to show Clarke. It was a photo book that Abby had made Clarke for her college graduation. “It was in the pile of photo books you suggested I look through.”  
Clarke nodded enthusiastically, “Yeah, of course. I mean, you’re in like half the pictures. And of the college photos, if you’re not in them you were there at whatever event the picture is from so it should hopefully jog some memories.” Clarke spoke hopefully, but she knew that Lexa had yet to have a memory from the missing years return to her.  
Lexa ran her hands across the page she was looking at. It was full of childhood pictures of Clarke. In almost all of them she was pictured with a boy Lexa didn’t recognize. But of course, that didn’t mean much. “Who is he?” she asked, pointing to a picture of Clarke and the boy holding a sign that read, ‘First Day of Kindergarten’.  
With the memory of her nightmare still fresh in her mind, it hurt for Clarke to look at the pictures, even though it had been years since she’d recovered from the initial pain. “Wells. Wells Jaha,” she explained, “Our parents grew up together. My mom and his dad grew up on the same army base together. Wells and I were best friends before we were even born. He was diagnosed with leukemia when we were eight. He died a year later.”  
“I’m sorry Clarke,” Lexa tentatively reached out and grasped Clarke’s hand. Neither girl remarked on how comfortable the act felt.  
“It was a long time ago,” Clarke shook her head.  
The two girls were pulled out of their solemn conversation by the sound of Clarke’s cellphone ringing. Lexa watched tentatively as Clarke answered it and spoke in one word responses to whoever was on the other line.  
After hanging up, Clarke turned back to Lexa, “That was Raven. She said her OT cancelled their appointment because his wife went in to labor, so she and Octavia are going to come over a little earlier than planned.”  
Lexa nodded. She was already dressed. It had taken her what seemed like an hour to find an outfit she could put on without Clarke’s assistance and was all ready for the day. She was a bit nervous, but also excited to meet, or re-meet, Octavia and Raven. So far the only friend from her old life that she’d met was Anya, but she had known who Anya was before the accident. Raven and Octavia were the first from after the accident, except for Clarke anyway.  
Less than an hour later, Clarke was dressed and going through the photo book with Lexa, telling her about the time they got so drunk, they passed out in a 24 hr Taco Bell only to be woken up by a very hungover Octavia the next morning, throwing water on them. Pissed that she’d spent the night looking for them.  
With a knock on their door, Clarke left Lexa on the couch and ran to greet her friends. Raven and Octavia entered, heading straight to the living room where Lexa was.  
“Hey Lex!” Octavia smiled.  
“Hi,” Lexa smiled back. “Octavia?” she questioned. She’d been trying to memorize the faces of her friends from photos, but after a while they started to blend together. But after Octavia nodded enthusiastically, Lexa sighed in relief, glad she’d gotten it right. As Raven rounded the corner of the couch, Lexa smiled at her as well, “Hello Raven.”  
It wasn’t until Clarke watched as Lexa’s green eyes travelled down to the brace on Raven’s leg that she realized she hadn’t filled Lexa in about it. And because they’d spent the most time so far looking at college photos, Raven didn’t have the brace in those photos.  
Lexa didn’t know.  
Raven was smart. Wicked smart. There was a reason she’d been her high school valedictorian and had graduated cum laude from Polis College. She quickly picked up on what Lexa’s gaze meant and was ready to provide her with an answer.  
“Racing accident,” Raven started.  
“What?” Lexa asked, her head jerking up to meet Raven’s eyes.  
“My leg. You don’t remember, right?” she asked.  
Lexa nodded.  
“It was a racing accident,” she repeated. “I’d finished first in a big qualifying race, but got out of my car before everyone had crossed the finish line. Some guy lost control as he finished and he hit me. I was paralyzed from the waist down for a while, but now I’ve just got one bum leg. The brace lets me walk though.”  
“Oh,” Lexa spoke, unsure what else to say. “How long ago?”  
“Just over two years,” Clarke answered for Raven. She could never forget the day.  
That was when she was still going to all of Lexa’s races, cheering her and her friends on like a true groupie. She’d spoken to Lexa about the fact that she didn’t like how dangerous it was, but never even thought about asking Lexa to stop racing. Until the day of Raven’s injury anyway.  
Clarke was a certified EMT, so she liked to watch from the bottom bleacher, ready to spring in to action if necessary. She’d only been needed a handful of times before that day. And that day Clarke had been too busy trying to see what place Lexa came in to recognize the fact that Raven exited her car to early and that Murphy lost control of his car. It was only after she heard other people screaming for help that Clarke registered what had happened and sprang in to action.  
Raven was still conscious when Clarke got to her, writhing in pain. Clarke hadn’t seen any major physical injuries other than some surface wounds, but when she went to roll Raven from her side to her back, Raven yelled out in pain before blacking out. The accident followed by that movement had paralyzed her.  
“We all have battle scars,” Raven shrugged, looking from Clarke to Lexa. “Sucks, sure, but I’m dealing with it.”  
After a moment of silence they all sat together on the couch. The mood quickly lifted as Clarke brought up the Taco Bell story and the three with intact memories began spewing stories from college. Lexa smiled as she watched the three women she hoped to call friends talk animatedly about everything from the time Octavia fell asleep during a final exam, to nights they spent playing drinking games together.  
Neither Clarke nor Lexa knew when they started holding hands as they sat beside each other on the couch, nor did they even thinking about the action. They just were. It was natural to them. And neither woman noticed the look that Raven and Octavia shared as they recognized the simple act.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, let me know what you think :)  
> madgirlbackhome.tumblr.com


	6. Diner Dinner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa wants Clarke to go back to work and Anya takes Lexa out for chocolate shakes and veggie burgers

“Hey Clarke,” Lexa broke the silence that had sat fairly comfortably in their apartment all morning.  
Clarke looked up abruptly from her sketchpad, gazing across the living room towards her fiance. Or her girlfriend. She wasn’t really sure what they were anymore. “What’s up?” she asked.  
Lexa closed the book she’d been reading before she spoke again, “I think you should go back to work.”  
Clarke wasn’t sure what she had expected Lexa to say, but that certainly wasn’t it. “What?” she asked, shocked.  
“It’s been nearly three weeks Clarke, you shouldn’t let my accident get in the way of your career,” Lexa explained.  
“But you’re still in a wheelchair. You still don’t have your memory back. I want to be here for you.”  
“You heard Dr. Knight, I should get back to a normal schedule as soon as possible, and that means you too. I may not be able to work, but you can. And I’ve gotten a handle on my wheelchair, I think I can handle myself,” Lexa explained.  
Clarke sighed as she closed her sketchbook and crossed the room to sit on the couch with Lexa. “I’m a physical therapist Lex, I have a lot of control over my schedule.”  
“That may be so, but it will be weeks before my injuries heal, and who knows if I’ll ever get my memories back. I get that your practice is understanding of your situation, but they won’t always be. They have patients to treat and if you’re not there, they may need to hire someone new.”  
Clarke listened intently to Lexa before offering her own counterpoints, “If it’s a money thing, we’ve been saving up lately for things,” Clarke paused, knowing that the things they were saving up for included a wedding and a new house. “You don’t need to worry about that.”  
The money wasn’t the sole thing Lexa had a problem with, but it was a symptom of something else. Ever since she woke up in a hospital and was told she was missing seven years of her life, Lexa felt like she had no control over her life. It seemed like everyone else was making decisions for her and that they knew better than she did about everything. She was an invalid, forced to rely on Clarke and everyone else to not only fill her in on her missing memories, but to take care of her in every way. She hated the fact that Clarke’s life was on hold for hers. So yes, the fact that she and Clarke shared all their money was something she was adjusting to, but that wasn’t the problem.  
“I guess I could go back to a limited schedule,” Clarke compromised, gently placing a hand on Lexa’s leg cast.  
“I think that might be for the best,” Lexa nodded, glad the conversation was ending better than it started.  
Lexa’s gaze drifted down to where Clarke’s hand rested on her cast. She could almost feel it burning a whole through the plaster. She knew the love that was behind it, the love and sadness, emotions Lexa could not reciprocate. Emotions she wished she could reciprocate, for Clarke’s sake. But they weren’t there. She almost reached down to grasp Clarke’s hand, to reassure the girl, her girlfriend, when a harsh knock was heard.  
At the sound of the broken silence, Clarke sat up abruptly. “That must be Anya,” she said before going to get the door.  
“Hey Clarke,” Anya spoke as soon as she was led in to the apartment. Upon seeing Lexa she greeted her, “Hey Lexa. You just about ready to go?”  
“Go?” Clarke asked, her face full of confusion as it rotated between Lexa and Anya. “I didn’t realize we were going somewhere.” She’d been pleasantly surprised when Lexa said that she’d invited Anya over, hoping that Lexa felt some vestige of their relationship, but had just assumed they would hang out in the apartment.  
As Lexa transferred in to her wheelchair and wheeled it over to Anya and Clarke using her good foot she said, “Actually, I was thinking it would be just me and Anya.”  
Part of Clarke was hurt by the statement, but another part of her was happy that Lexa was showing independence, hoping that maybe it would help in her recovery.  
“We’re just grabbing dinner at the diner, I promise not to bring her back past curfew,” Anya joked. The joke fell flat, but they all laughed anyway.

 

* * *

 

Hours later, Lexa lay in bed thinking about the argument she’d gotten in with Clarke, if you could call it that, and the conversation she’d had with Anya over veggie burgers and chocolate shakes. Even though she was aware of the fact that her relationship with Anya had changed in the past seven years, it was a relief to talk to someone whose face she actually recognized from before the accident. And maybe that’s why it had been so easy to talk to her about everything. Anya was Costia’s cousin and while they had only met a handful of times before she went off to college, Lexa had reached out to her to find out if she needed a roommate. Anya was a sophomore when Lexa was a freshman, but Lexa hadn’t wanted to live with a stranger, so Costia had put her in contact with her cousin. They’d clicked from the beginning.  
“Sometimes when I look at her, I see the patient woman who put her life on hold to care for her injured girlfriend. I see the girl who loves unconditionally, in want of having that love returned. But other times,” Lexa trailed off, not sure how to put her feelings in to words. “Other times it’s like she’s just a character on television. It’s like she’s playing the role opposite me, but I haven’t read the script.”  
“That’s quite the metaphor Lexa,” Anya had returned. “Do you think there’s a part of you that remembers her? Or anyone? Or anything?”  
Lexa shook her head. “It took me a week just to figure out where everything in the kitchen was. And that wasn’t because I couldn’t reach half the cabinets from my wheelchair. It’s like the things that should come the easier, are the hardest.”  
“What do you mean?”  
“I mean the simple things, like how to turn on my bathtub which I have to use because I can’t shower in my casts, or or what numbers correspond to what channels on the television. Or how to remember to care about someone I’ve apparently been in love with for more than half a decade.”  
“Is there anything that’s easy?” Anya asked in a hopeful tone.  
Lexa paused, thinking. There was. “Costia,” she spoke tentatively. “There’s a part of my brain that still thinks I saw her three weeks ago, but it’s gotten smaller. I think that there’s a an even bigger part of it though that acknowledges the fact that I’ve already grieved for her and is trying to tell me that. Either that or there’s too much other shit rattling around up there trying to find its place.”  
“It took you a long time to recover from her death,” Anya’s voice grew more serious. “You almost backed out of rooming with me, but there were no available spots left in the freshman dorms. I introduced you to racing hoping it would help you get over her, but really it just masked you grief. The grief was still there, just underneath the surface.”  
“What do you mean?” Lexa asked. She hadn’t really discussed this with Clarke yet.  
“You never got closure with her, and that killed you. It killed you the fact that you never told her you were in love with her, and you blamed yourself for her death. You told me once when you were drunk that you loved to race because it didn’t hurt when you raced. When you raced the only thing that mattered was the road your wheels turned on, and the whip of the wind that silenced the thoughts that scared you.”  
“Woah,” Lexa breathed. “How did I get over it? If racing wasn’t the reason.”  
Anya looked up at Lexa. She knew exactly what had gotten through to Lexa and saved her, or rather who. “It was a lot of things,” she began, “It was making new friends, having new experiences and falling in love again.”  
“Clarke,” Lexa spoke simply.  
“Yes,” Anya nodded, “Clarke. She found the chips in your armor and stuffed pieces of herself in them until you were ready to let her in. And when you showed her your wounds, she didn’t try and put bandaids on them, she just held your hand through the pain. In a way, she was the bandaid.”  
They sat in silence for what felt like minutes, hours, days and years before Lexa finally spoke again. “I don’t know how to be with her. I don’t know how to handle the enormity of her love when it feels like it belongs to someone else. I don’t know how to be the girl that she fell in love wit. ”  
“You love her too,” Anya insisted, “And that’s not something that just exists in memories, it’s a part of who you are. You can’t change who you are Lexa. And it’s you that she loves. The same way you love her. And I know that even if you don’t get your memories back, your love for her will return.”  
Anya was the first person to acknowledge the fact that she might not get her memories back, and for that Lexa was grateful. “What if I want to start over? What if I need to start over?”  
Anya’s gaze gave away no emotions, nor any hint of her true feelings about Lexa’s question. But her answer was simple, “Then you start over.”  
It had been hours since Anya had wheeled Lexa back in to her apartment, where Clarke had immediately closed her sketchbook and hurried over to help Anya with the wheelchair. They’d stayed later at the diner talking than intended, but Clarke insisted that she didn’t mind.  
After Anya had left, they’d gone to their respective rooms for bed, and for once Lexa didn’t fall asleep right away. She kept going over in her head everything new she was learning. She knew that Clarke loved her and that another Lexa had loved Clarke back, but she also knew that without her memories that it might be easier to start over.  
She was still awake in the early hours of the morning when she heard a whimpering coming from Clarke’s room. Lexa heard her cry out for Wells, for her dad and for Raven. She knew right away the Clarke was having a nightmare. But when Clarke cried out for her, for Lexa, Lexa remained in bed, paralyzed. She wondered what would happen if she hobbled in to Clarke’s room and reassured her that her nightmare was nothing but a nightmare. But instead of doing that, she remained in bed, falling asleep to the sound of Clarke’s sobs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> looks like this might end up being 18 chapters, so 1/3 the way there! Let me know what you think so far!  
> madgirlbackhome.tumblr.com


	7. Plaster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa gets some exciting news from the doctor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I had an alumni event for my school tonight so this is all I had time to write. This was supposed to be only the first half of chapter 7, but I didn't have time for the second part and since I promised a new chapter each day I'm just going to post the first half.  
> I promise to have the second half tomorrow and I'll make it even longer than originally planned!

“So I have some good news for you,” Dr. Knight grinned as she entered the room brandishing Lexa’s x-rays. It took all of Lexa’s self-restraint not to laugh at the lopsided angel wings on the doctor’s back and to focus on what she was actually saying.  
“What is it doc?” she asked.  
Dr. Knight pulled up a rolling seat next to Clarke’s against the patient table where Lexa sat and held out the x-ray print-outs for bother women to see. “Well the good news is that the break in your leg is actually not as bad as we originally thought, so we’re going to get this cast off of you.” Both Clarke and Lexa grinned as Dr. Knight knocked on Lexa’s cast. “You’ll still need to be in an air cast, but with that you won’t have to worry about a wheelchair or even crutches anymore.”  
“Oh thank god,” Lexa sighed, “That chair was a bitch and a half.”  
Clarke and Dr. Knight both laughed at Lexa’s sentiment.  
“Come on,” Dr. Knight beckoned as she stood up, “Let’s go in to the cast room and get that hunk of plaster off of you. It’s just across the hall so let’s just hobble you over there instead of dealing with the wheelchair.”  
Clarke stood alongside Dr. Knight and helped Lexa hop down off the table. Tentatively she pulled Lexa’s good arm around her shoulder to use as support as she hopped on her good leg. She tried to support as much of Lexa’s weight as possible without making her feel uncomfortable in such a close space. Though Clarke had supported her in that way several times over the past few weeks, she was still cautious each time as their bodies meshed together.  
The made it across the hall and Lexa sat on another patient table with her leg stretched out in front of her. Dr. Knight put on a mask before plugging a saw with a rotating blade in to the wall. As she approached them with it, Clarke saw Lexa’s face turn bone white. She quickly rushed to Lexa’s side and grabbed her hand.  
“You okay?” Dr. Knight asked.  
Without thinking, Clarke answered the question for Lexa, “Bad experience with an actor with a saw at a haunted house.”  
Lexa turned her head to observe Clarke. The blonde couldn’t quite read her girlfriend’s expression, but she supposed she must have been surprised that Clarke knew about something that had happened more than two decades previously.  
Out of the corner of her eye, Clarke saw Dr. Knight step closer with the saw before flicking it on. At the sound of the electric device, Lexa turned her head to face the sound, but using the hand that wasn’t holding Lexa’s hand, Clarke took Lexa’s chin and turned it back towards her. “Don’t watch,” she said, “Dr. Knight knows what she’s doing. You don’t need to watch. Just keep your eyes on me.”  
Lexa’s grip on Clarke’s hand tightened as the sound of metal cutting through plaster began, but she didn’t drop Clarke’s gaze. Neither woman said anything, but neither felt the need to fill the space with words.  
Finally Dr. Knight turned off the saw saying, “All done!”  
Neither Clarke nor Lexa wanted to break their gaze, but knew they had to. Clarke lifted Lexa’s hand up to her lips and without thinking, kissed the hand she held. And without thinking, Lexa smiled back as she whispered, “Thank you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes, i'm drawing from personal experience when it comes to creepy haunted houses


	8. The Tourist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Halloween. PDA. Douchebags. An Almost Something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised this one is a bit longer :)

Clarke was sitting on the couch in the living room drawing, the same evening that Lexa had the cast on her leg removed. She knew she should start getting ready for the party, but her fingers were itching to draw. She drew what came most easily for her, the subject that filled countless sketchbooks from the past years, Lexa. She never drew her the same way twice, but since the accident Clarke hadn’t been able to draw her girlfriend in full, only fragments of her. An elbow. An ear. The curve of her neck.  
She was focused on drawing the intricate design on Lexa’s knuckles when she heard an exasperated sigh come from the guest room, followed by the sound of something falling. “Lexa?” she looked up from her work, “Are you okay?”  
Several long moments passed before Lexa responded. The brunette was weighing her options in the other room. She was deciding in that moment whether she had made the right choice that morning. After her conversation with Anya days earlier, she was torn on what to do, but the moment Dr. Knight informed her that she would be able to walk without crutches or a wheelchair, she’d made the decision to leave. She would tell Clarke that she couldn’t be the woman Clarke thought she was, then she would go back to her parents and live with them until she figured it out.  
That is what Lexa decided to do the moment Dr. Knight told her the good news. Or at least that was the plan, the plan that lasted until Clarke took her hand, knowing her fear of saws. Despite all that she’d been told about her forgotten life, it wasn’t until that moment that she realized that she couldn’t leave. She owed it to Clarke to stay, yes, but she also owed it to herself. Because she’d never told anyone about that fear before, not even Costia and Costia had been with her that night at the haunted house. She’d given a part of herself to Clarke that she never thought she would have, and she owed it to herself to find out why.  
The implications of her decision to stay went through Lexa’s head after Clarke called out to her. She weighed her options before she called back to the blonde in an even tone, “I could use some help.”  
In the living room, Clarke tucked her sketchbook away before hurrying in to the guest room. She paused as she saw Lexa standing there. Despite the fact that she knew she shouldn’t, she dragged her eyes across Lexa’s body. She was standing there in her underwear and a tank top, her curly dark hair still wet from the bath she’d just taken. Clarke remembered Lexa saying in the car how excited she was to shave her left leg now that it was out of a cast and her blue eyes wandered down the length of the now smooth legs. She noticed immediately that Lexa wasn’t wearing her air cast and that was what pulled her out of her trance. “Lexa!” she exclaimed, “You need to be wearing your air cast!”  
Looking up at the brunette’s face, Clarke noticed the reddening of her cheeks and realized that she had probably noticed her ogling. Lexa cleared her throat before responding to the blonde, “I took it off to take a bath. I was going to put it back on after I got changed, but I have no idea what to wear.”  
Clarke smirked in response and started flipping through the other girl’s closet. As she flipped through the clothes she moved from their shared closet to the guest room, she noticed some of her own tops mixed in, but didn’t mention it. “Okay, well none of this is halloween appropriate,” she stated.   
“Hence my dilemma,” Lexa sighed, “What are you wearing?”  
Clarke realized that she had no idea what she would be wearing to the Halloween party that night either. “Well some of our old costumes are in our closet in the other room, we could always just re-wear something,” she suggested.  
“Well it’s not like I’ll remember wearing it anyway,” Lexa laughed. And for the first time since the accident, she said it with a smile, causing Clarke to laugh.  
“Put your air cast on and we’ll take a look through the costume box.”  
“Costume box?” Lexa arched an eyebrow, one that elicited a deep blush on Clarke’s cheeks.  
“Come on, let’s go look,” she returned.  
Several hours later, Clarke and Lexa hopped out of Clarke’s car and walked up the path to Octavia and Lincoln’s house.  
“I look ridiculous Clarke,” Lexa sighed as they approached the door and she gestured to her outfit.  
“I offered up my old Dorothy costume, it’s your fault that you didn’t want to wear a dress!” Clarke taunted back. As they’d spent time getting ready, the girls had started bantering back and forth. Clarke had a smile on her face the whole time.  
Just as Clarke was about to open the door to the modest home, a figure approached the two from behind, he too was invited to the party. He spoke, “Don’t worry Lexa, I think your costume is way better than Clarke’s.”  
Both women whipped their heads around and an enormous smile burst out on Clarke’s face as she exclaimed, “Bellamy!” before enveloping him in a hug.   
Even though she hadn’t officially re-met Bellamy, she recognized him from photographs and had heard several stories involving him.  
“I heard about your accident Lexa, are you feeling any better?” he turned and asked her.  
“I’m finally out of my wheelchair,” Lexa spoke optimistically, “But still no progress on the whole amnesia thing.”  
“That’s a shame,” Bellamy shook his head, “I’m sure it’s only a matter of time though.”  
Lexa simply smiled in response, she was starting to grow tired of people reassuring her that her memory would return.  
Realizing that his words weren’t what Lexa wanted to hear, Bellamy changed the course of the conversation, “Really though Lexa, your costume is great. I mean, really. You’re Clarke, right?”  
At the same time that Lexa spoke confused saying, “I’m a tacky tourist,” Clarke had started hitting Bellamy with her Tinkerbell wand saying, “I hate you Bellamy Blake.”  
“What’s going on?” Lexa asked.  
Bellamy turned to face Clarke, looking smirk while Clarke looked like a child who was just caught with her hand in the cookie jar. “Did you tell her where exactly you got her so-called costume?”  
Lexa looked down at what she was wearing, wishing she knew what Bellamy was talking about. She was wearing a Mickey Mouse ear hat, a Hawaiian shirt, cut off jeans and a fanny pack. Ultra touristy and totally cheesy. She gathered it was something either Clarke or she had worn at a themed college party. However, that didn’t seem to be the case judging by the look on Clarke’s face.  
“Hold up,” Bellamy held up a finger as he searched his pocket for his phone. He flicked through something on the screen for a moment before he showed the screen to Lexa. It was a picture of herself and Clarke. She was wearing jean shorts and a plain tank top, a look of annoyance on her face, while Clarke was wearing the outfit that Lexa was now wearing. They stood in front of Cinderella’s castle at Disney World. “And before you ask,” Bellamy added, “No, she was not wearing any of that ironically.”  
“That’s not fair!” Clarke pouted, “It was my first time at Disney so I needed the ears! And the clothes were comfortable and the fanny pack came in really handy on the roller coasters!”  
Lexa laughed a loud laugh at the photo. She wished she could remember being there with Clarke.  
Someone inside must have heard her laugh, as the door immediately swung open, revealing Raven. “Clarke! Lexa! You’re here!” she exclaimed. As the girls shifted to step inside, Bellamy was revealed to her and she squealed in a way that Lexa had never heard her squeal before, and one look at Clarke told her that Clarke hadn’t either. Raven propelled herself at Bellamy, jumping off the doorstep as she wrapped her arms around him. He lifted her off the ground and she then proceeded to wrap her legs around him.   
“Hey there little bird,” grinned in to her shoulder before they started displaying more PDA than both Lexa and Clarke needed to see.  
“We’ll see you two love birds inside,” Clarke laughed as she led Lexa inside the house.  
“Well that was something,” Lexa gestured back to the door, referring to the interaction they’d just witnessed between Bellamy and Raven. “They act like they haven’t seen each other in years.”  
“Four months,” Clarke stated.  
“What?”  
“Four months is how long its been since they’ve been able to see each other,” Clarke further explained. “The company he works for transferred him to Morocco almost two years ago now so he doesn’t come home very often and flights are expensive. They’re saving up so that when he can come back they can buy a house and probably start a family.”  
Lexa took a minute to calculate figures in her head based on what she knew of Raven and Bellamy. She knew Raven was a year older than her, making her 26 and that Bellamy was two years older than that, making him 28. She supposed that made sense. “They’ve been dating a while, right?” she asked, “I remember you saying that they were already dating the night we met.”  
“Yes and no,” Clarke paused before continuing, “They’d been dating about a year when we first met, but after Bellamy graduated and got a job in Ark City, they decided to amicably break up, as Raven still had two years left of college. Raven then started dating this fuckboy Finn Collins, total asswipe. She dated Finn for about two years and was dating him the night of her accident. He bailed on her as soon as he heard that she might never walk again. Bellamy was in a meeting with his boss when he got the call about Raven’s accident, and without a second thought he got on the next flight back to Polis. He barely left Raven’s side during those first few months after her crash, but luckily his boss let him work remotely. I don’t know when they officially got back together, I don’t even know if they even officially talked about getting back together, they just were.”  
Lexa found herself smiling at the story, “I’m happy for them,” she stated.  
“Me too,” Clarke smiled back. She looked around at the party going on around them. It was a pretty small party, but there were a handful of people she didn’t know, probably some upperclassmen on the Polis Boxing team and some of Lincoln’s colleagues. He worked in the campus safety department at the college. “Let’s get some drinks,” Clarke grabbed Lexa’s hand and carefully led her in to the kitchen, wary of the other girl’s still broken arm and leg.  
An hour or so passed and while Clarke and Lexa had politely smiled and waved to friends and acquaintances, they’d mostly stuck to themselves. Anya hadn’t been able to make it, Raven and Bellamy were a bit busy with each other, and neither Lincoln nor Octavia had been spotted yet. Neither Clarke nor Lexa minded though. They were happy enough to just talk to one another. Occasionally Clarke would elaborate on a story from their shared past, describing the one year they’d done a couple costume for Halloween and that everyone had made fun of them endlessly for it to the point where they never did it again and the time both Octavia and Lexa had shown up to their Physics midterm still drunk from Halloween the night before and how Raven was pissed at the fact that they still got As while she had taken it the year prior and studied her ass off for her own A. When Clarke wasn’t telling stories though, they talked about both everything and nothing. Lexa wanted to know if Gossip Girl was ever revealed and who had won the Superbowl the year before. Answers Clarke proudly knew the answers to both of.  
They talked about books and movies and other things they hadn’t even touched on in the weeks since the accident. It almost felt back to normal for Clarke, even though it wasn’t at all.  
“Hello ladies,” a smarmy blonde guy greeted as he sidled up alongside of Clarke and Lexa with a friend. Lexa glanced to Clarke as if to ask if she should know either of them, but Clarke looked equally as confused, “Myself, Drew, and my friend Atom here were wondering if we could get either of you lovely ladies a drink.”  
“We’re fine actually,” Clarke lifted up her beer to show that it was still mostly full. “Besides, we’re right next to the kitchen, if we wanted another drink we could get it ourselves.”  
“Feisty!” he exclaimed back at her, licking his lips in a way that was surely meant to be seductive, but ended up looking creepier than the back of Professor Quirrell’s head. “I like a girl who’s feisty.”  
As Drew moved to take a step closer to Clarke, Lexa cut him off, preventing him from getting any closer. “Please leave us alone,” she stated firmly.  
“Ooh! Another feisty one!” he cooed back.  
“Drew, dude, let’s just go,” his friend, Atom, insisted.  
“What do you say you and I find a dark corner to get to know each other in,” Drew reached out a hand to touch Clarke’s shoulder, but was immediately slapped away by Lexa.  
“Don’t. Touch. My. Girlfriend.” Lexa’s tone was bitter and strong, surprising all four of them, each for different reasons. At the sound of her voice, Atom wrenched Drew away, pulling him towards the other side of the room.  
Clarke almost didn’t care about the creepy guy because all she could focus on was the fact that Lexa had called her her girlfriend. It was a label that Clarke had mostly avoided since learning of Lexa’s amnesia, and a word that Lexa herself had refused to say since she woke after the accident. So her calling Clarke her girlfriend was of equal surprise to both Clarke and Lexa.  
“Thanks,” Clarke smiled softly at the other girl, gently taking the brunette’s hands in hers’.  
Lexa was still seething, but Clarke’s comforting touch was quickly quelling the angry fire in her stomach, “I know you can handle yourself, but I couldn’t stand to see him-.”  
“I know,” Clarke cut the rambling Lexa off, “You just did what any girlfriend would do.”  
Lexa averted her eyes at the mention of the g-word, but doing so just made her realize how close she was standing to Clarke. There were barely inches between them. She shifted her eyes to look back up at the blonde, curious of her reaction, but first her green eyes lingered on Clarke’s soft pink lips. She wasn’t sure if it was the alcohol or Clarke that was both blurring and heightening her senses at the same time. When she looked up, blue eyes were looking down at Lexa’s lips before flicking up to meet green.  
Both girls made the decision at the same time. They took that last step closer to each other. Lexa tilted her head. Clarke began to close her eyes.  
“There you guys are!” Octavia exclaimed as she wrapped an arm around each of them. Her voice was loud and caused both Clarke and Lexa to spring apart in Octavia’s arms. “You guys having fun?” Octavia asked, her voice slurred and loud, her breath reeking of whiskey. She was wasted as fuck.  
“Yeah,” Lexa finally managed to croak out, her eyes searching for Clarke’s.  
Clarke’s eyes were steady, anchoring Lexa’s uncertain and scared green eyes, she refused to break eye contact as she spoke, “Yeah, we are.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always let me know what you think either below or on tumblr where i also welcome prompts!  
> madgirlbackhome.tumblr.com


	9. Fireworks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke has a tattoo, a swing set and a change

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my reason for not positing a chapter yesterday is that I was binge-watching OITNB #noragrets

In the weeks following Halloween, Clarke started to go back to work full time while Lexa continued to look through old photographs, texts and Facebook messages as well continued to meet with a therapist on a daily basis and even a hypnotist a handful of times.  
“Okay, no more hypnotist,” Lexa huffed as she plopped down on the couch, throwing her arms down in frustration.  
“Dude!” Clarke exclaimed as she sat down on the opposite of the couch, shifting Lexa’s feet so she had room to sit, “You literally got that cast off your arm yesterday. Try and be a little careful.”  
“I blame the hypnotist,” she deadpanned. They’d just returned from their fourth trip to the hypnotist, something Tris had suggested as a joke, but Clarke had taken seriously. And for the fourth time, it had proved to be fruitless. Lexa still hadn’t gotten any of her memories back. She’d been retaining all her memories since the accident which Dr. Knight said was promising, but it still wasn’t enough for either of them.  
Clarke sighed and shifted so that she was looking at Lexa. Every time she felt like there was a glimmer of the Lexa she missed, the brunette would seal herself back off again, like she was afraid of becoming that person again. “Well while you were in with the hypnotist, I bought our train tickets for Thanksgiving, so at least it was some what productive,” she offered.  
Lexa fought back the initial urge to ask how much she owed Clarke, taking a minute to remember the fact that while they still maintained two bank accounts, they shared everything. “Good idea,” Lexa offered the blonde a somewhat delayed smile, before adding honestly, “It’ll be nice to see my parents and sister.”  
“We’ve been going to your family’s house for Thanksgiving ever since our second year together. This will be number seven,” Clarke explained.  
“What about your mom?” the brunette asked.  
Clarke shrugged, “She’s fine. She’ll go over to the Jahas’ house for Thanksgiving, she does every year. It’s too far to fly there for just a weekend. We’ll go out there around Christmas.”  
Lexa nodded in response.  
“We haven’t really talked much about holidays, have we?” Clarke asked, trying to remember if of the dozens of memories she’d regurgitated for Lexa, any were of the holidays.  
“I think so,” the brunette furrowed her brow, “I mean, we’ve definitely talked about birthdays. Like your twenty-first…”  
The color drained for Clarke’s face and she quickly started sputtering, “I definitely did not tell you about that. Lexa, who told you? Was it Anya? Raven?”  
“Octavia,” Lexa grinned with a mischievous smile and a laugh.  
Clarke’s eyes narrowed with a playful sense of anger, “That girl is on my list. What did she tell you?”  
“What didn’t she tell me,” Lexa’s smirk grew, “Let’s see. If I remember correctly there were way too many shots of tequila, some whipped cream, an impromptu strip dance on your part and a stripper named Candy, not to mention the tattoo you got that night.”  
“Oh my god, that was literally the most embarrassing night of my life,” Clarke’s face had turned bright red as she through a hand over her face in shame.  
Lexa was too busy laughing at Clarke and Clarke was too busy cowering in shame to realize that there was no way Octavia could have told Lexa about the tattoo because she didn’t know about it. The night of Clarke’s twenty-first birthday after a night full of debauchery, she, Lexa and Candy the stripper had gone to a tattoo parlor where Clarke had insisted on getting a tattoo. Neither Lexa nor Candy had been able to stop the girl and she’d gotten Lexa’s name tattoed on the side of her ribcage. Only, none of them had told Octavia or any of the others about the tattoo, and its location meant that they’d never seen it. And if Lexa or Clarke had been paying attention, they would have realized that Lexa was inserting her own valid memories in to the recollection. But they weren’t and neither realized.  
“Okay, enough about that night. There must be a holiday we haven’t talked about,” Clarke attempted to change the direction of the conversation.  
“Changing the subject are we?” Lexa arched an eyebrows, but conceded to Clarke’s request regardless, “Tell me about something more recent, something from this year.”  
Clarke thought for a moment, then smiled while asking, “How about the Fourth of July?”  
“Random,” Lexa acknowledged, “But I like that. Tell me.”  
The blonde repositioned herself on the couch so that she was more easily facing the brunette. She freed her hands and made room for the elbows, knowing that she tended to talk with her hands, before she delved in to the memory.

 

* * *

 

_So the day started off awful. I was in a pissy mood for whatever reason and wouldn’t shut up about how silly it was that barbecues and firework shows were supposed to symbolize the anniversary of our country’s separation from our motherland. Looking back on it, it was funny. Because you are usually the one that talks like that. In fact, that was something that Raven had brought up._   
_“Did you and Lexa switch bodies today or something?” Raven had asked after I’d gone off on a rant at her, “Or did someone just piss in your corn flakes this morning?”_   
_By that time it was already night and I probably would have slapped Raven then if you hadn’t held me back. After grabbing my hand to prevent me from slapping Raven, you’d dragged me off the back porch where everyone had congregated and down the road to the small park. It was the same park where Lincoln proposed to Octavia after they were given the keys to their new house down the block from it. It’s crazy to think that its already been two years._   
_We immediately headed over to the swing set and for a while were silently swinging beside each other before you broke the silence, “Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?” you asked._   
_Until that moment I’d had no idea what had put me in such a foul mood, but the second you asked I realized why it was. “I used to love the Fourth of July, in fact I used to call it my favorite holiday. I loved whole communities coming together for silly games like three-legged races and water balloon tosses. I loved the spirit that everyone seemed to exude on the day, I loved the food. The cotton candy, hot dogs and corn on the cob. I loved it all. As a kid and even as a teen it was one of my favorite days, and I think a lot of that was because it was my dad’s favorite holiday.”_   
_“Oh Clarke,” you said, grabbing my hand. We swung there silently together for several minutes before the first firework flashed above our heads._   
_You took my hand to pull me off the swing, dragging me to the open grass of the park where we lay down, propping our selves up on our elbows._   
_“My favorite part about the Fourth is the fireworks,” you spoke between loud bangs. “I love the bright lights, the flashes of color. But more than that, I love the way each boom feels in the hollows beneath my ribs and how the colors leave spots in my eyes between each explosion. There’s something about fireworks that makes each breath feel minutes long. It seems like such a solitary experience, watching fireworks, but you can’t help but feel each person’s beating heart around you.”_   
_I didn’t know how to respond to that. Your seemed to echo inside me like the booming of the fireworks. So we sat there not talking, just sitting shoulder to shoulder as the fireworks invaded our souls._   
_After they were over, we sat there for several more hours, completely forgetting about Octavia and Lincoln’s party. We mostly talked about my dad, and I could swear I felt him there, his heartbeat, just like you said._   
_It wasn’t an incredibly eventful holiday, but it meant a lot to me._

 

* * *

 

“Thanks for sharing that with me,” Lexa sighed after enough moments of silence had passed that she was sure Clarke had finished tell her story.  
“That memory,” the blonde began, pausing to regain a bit of composure, “All the memories I’ve been telling you actually, I’m not sharing them. I’m trying to remind you of them, because they aren’t mine to give away. They belong to you in your own right.”  
Lexa knew what Clarke meant, but even after all the weeks that had passed, she still felt like there was an invisible wall between her and the stories Clarke told her, and she knew that if she could just get through that wall, the stories would become memories.  
“It’s late,” Lexa spoke, gesturing to the clock. “You have work tomorrow, don’t you?”  
Clarke nodded, a yawn escaping her mouth. “Yeah, we should go to bed.” Clarke stood up and placed a small kiss on top of Lexa’s head, “Goodnight Lexa.”  
“Goodnight Clarke,” the brunette returned.  
A few hours later, Lexa lay in her bed in the guest room, just having been woken by the sound of Clarke’s cries. Though she didn’t wake to them every night, she did often enough to know that Clarke was probably having nightmares every night, and that is why the blonde had constant bags under her eyes. Every past night that Lexa had woken to the cries, she’d tried to drown them out or Clarke had woken from her dream and Lexa was able to fall back asleep.  
That night, however, Lexa felt compelled to do something different, though she didn’t know why. Carefully, she got out of bed and quietly walked through the living room to Clarke’s door. It was cracked open slightly so Lexa opened it further, revealing Clarke.  
Clarke was asleep, but she was tossing and turning in her bed, yelling out words like “Don’t die,” “I’m sorry,” and “Please don’t leave me.” Lexa saw the tears streaming down the sleeping girl’s face and part of her heart broke. She hated herself for letting this go on for weeks without doing anything about it.  
Lexa hurried over to the bed and crawled on to it. She placed a reassuring hand on the blonde’s shoulder to prevent her from tossing and turning as she spoke in a calm, but insistent voice, “Clarke, Clarke wake up. It’s just a dream. Everything’s okay.” Her voice cracked at the end of her sentence and Clarke’s eyes opened slowly as if they couldn’t believe what they were seeing.  
“Lexa?” the blonde asked.  
Lexa moved her hand from the girl’s shoulder and up to her head where she began to smooth down the girl’s sweaty blonde hair. “Yeah, it’s me. You were having a nightmare. Everything’s okay.”  
Blue eyes bore deep in to green, refusing to break contact, as if they were afraid looking away would cause the other girl to vanish. “You always die,” Clarke cried, “I can never save you and you always die. Just like the others.”  
Lexa moved from a kneeling position to lie down beside the blonde. She wasn’t sure if it was muscle memory, instinct or just the fact that Clarke was crying, but she pulled the fragile girl in to her arms and interlocked their fingers. “I’m not dying Clarke. I’m staying here with you. I promise. I promise I won’t go anywhere.”  
Clarke sighed in to the familiar embrace that had been lost to her for weeks. A small part of her brain begged her to tell Lexa that she was fine and that she was okay with sleeping alone. But that small part of her brain was the part that lied. Because right then, she needed Lexa. Even if she wasn’t fully Lexa, she was enough of her that it was okay. So instead of struggling against the embrace, she leaned in to it.  
Between the familiar embrace and the soothing circles Lexa was drawing with her thumb on Clarke’s hand, Clarke was asleep within minutes. She wasn’t sure, but she thought, as she drifted in to unconsciousness that she felt that brief touch of lips against her shoulder. What she was sure of, however, was the fact that when she finally slept, it was without dreaming. Without dreaming for the first time since Lexa came home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, let me know what you think :)


	10. Thanksgiving Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clexa heads to TonDC for Thanksgiving

For the rest of the week, Lexa started the night in the guest room, but after waking to Clarke’s cries each night, would hobble to in to her room and crawl in to bed with her. Neither girl would speak about it, they simply let it happen.  
The first time either girl addressed the matter was when Cleo called Lexa while they sat in the car, on their way to the Woods’ home the day before Thanksgiving. The call had come through in the car’s bluetooth, as Lexa was playing music from her phone through it. As Lexa pressed the answer button she said, “Hi Mom,” at the same time Clarke said, “Hey Cleo.” The girls exchanged a look and a smile.  
“Hi girls!” came Cleo’s voice over the car speakers, “I gather you two are on the road and have me on speaker?”  
Clarke gestured for Lexa to talk and the brunette responded, “Yes, we are. We left about half an hour ago so we should be there in about two hours.”  
“Good,” Cleo responded, “We’re all really excited to see you both. Especially Tris.” Both Clarke and Lexa laughed, imagining Tris getting fed up with being home alone with her parents for the long weekend. Sure, she’d been living effectively as an only child for eight years, but both girls knew that Tris didn’t exactly love it.   
“We’re excited to see you guys too,” Clarke laughed.  
“I remember the first time Lexa brought you home Clarke, or more accurately, sprung your visit on me, telling me about it about an hour before she went to pick you up from the train,” Cleo reminisced.  
Clarke glanced over to Lexa with a smile, “It took me weeks to convince you to admit to the fact that you hadn’t actually told your parents I was coming.”  
“Wait what?” Lexa furrowed her brow, “Why didn’t I tell you?”  
“Because you’re weird,” Clarke laughed.  
“Lexa, I didn’t even officially know you had a girlfriend at that point,” Cleo chuckled, “Although I had my suspicions.”  
Lexa weighed the information in her head before responding, “So what, I just said surprise! I have a girlfriend! And surprise! She’s coming to visit!”  
“Basically,” Clarke nodded at the same time Cleo said, “Pretty much.”  
“Wait, seriously?” Lexa gasped.  
Clarke allowed for Cleo to explain, “I think your exact words to me were, ‘Mom can I borrow the car to pick up my girlfriend from the train? Her train gets in in an hour.’ I didn’t know how to respond so I just said yes. But as seen as you brought Clarke home, I must admit I wasn’t at all surprised to find out it was Clarke who was your girlfriend though.”  
“Why is that?” Lexa asked.  
Clarke smiled as she listened to Cleo. She hadn’t heard the story from Cleo’s point of view before and was learning knew things just like Lexa was. Cleo’s next statement was new information to Clarke, despite the fact it happened more than six years previously.  
“Starting in November you would start briefly mentioning Clarke’s name. You would mention going out with her and Anya after class, or you would talk about meeting up with her for lunch. By the end of the school year, you had started being more obvious about it. You spent almost an hour talking to me about some of Clarke’s sketches. Tris was the first one to figure it out though. She told me after you went to pick Clarke up from the train, she said she’d known Clarke was your girlfriend for months.”  
“I slipped up and called Clarke my girlfriend when I was talking to her once, but she didn’t tell me she registered it,” Lexa interrupted. Clarke nearly slammed on the breaks in the middle of the highway at Lexa’s statement, but realizing what it sounded like she clarified, “Tris told me that. I don’t remember it.” But even as she said it, she wasn’t sure. She assumed Tris had told her, but could she be sure?  
Sensing that Lexa was feeling conflicted, Clarke took one hand off the wheel and put it on top of Lexa’s, where it sat on her lap. Lexa looked down at the pale hand and wound their fingers together.  
“Oh and speaking of which, one more thing,” Cleo added, “Lexa, should I tell Tris that you’ll be bunking with her?”  
Clarke glanced to her side and saw Lexa’s green eyes trained on her. Both she and Lexa had been speaking separately to Cleo fairly often, but neither had talked to her about the recent changes in their sleeping arrangements. She squeezed Lexa’s hand reassuringly, letting her wordlessly know that the decision was her’s.  
“Lexa, you still there?” Cleo asked after several moments of silence.  
Lexa squeezed back on Clarke’s hand before responding, “Yeah, still here,” she took a deep breath, “Clarke and I will both just stay in my old room.”  
Clarke tried to hide her smile, one she knew Cleo was wearing on the other side of the line. “That’s great Lexa,” Cleo responded, “Well I should let you girls go. I’ll see you soon! Love you!”  
“Bye, love you!” both Clarke and Lexa responded together before the call cut out.  
“Is that okay?” Lexa asked, placing her free hand on top of their interlocked hands, “Us staying together? Because if not, we can call Mom back and tell her that.”  
Clarke glanced at Lexa before returning her gaze to the road, “Of course that’s fine Lexa. More than fine. But only if you’re comfortable with that. In some ways I’m practically still a stranger to you.”  
Lexa ran her thumb over the top of Clarke’s hand as she spoke in a softer tone, “You’re not a stranger Clarke.”  
Just under two hours later, Clarke pulled in to the small rural town and up to the three bedroom ranch-style house just outside of town. Tris had obviously been waiting for their arrival, because as soon as Clarke had put the car in park, she was running out of the house. Even though it was sixty degrees out, the girl was barefoot and wearing a tank and jeans.  
“Finally!” the eighteen-year-old cooed as she gave long hugs to both Lexa and Clarke.  
“Someone is certainly a bit hyped on energy,” Clarke laughed as she gave Tris a hug back.  
While Clarke had been around Tris through her pre-teen, angsty and rebellious years, Lexa was used to a more hyper Tris as a child, even if she had been talking to her over the phone over the past few weeks.  
“Well,” Tris trailed off as she pulled a piece of paper out of the back pocket of her jeans. She brandished it in front of her and showed it off as she exclaimed with a wide smile, “I GOT IN TO ARK STATE!”  
Clarke and Lexa both let out excited squeals and hugged the girl as Cleo and Patrick watched from the porch. “So that’s why Mom said you were so excited to see us!” Lexa laughed.  
“I wanted to tell you both in person,” her sister smiled in response.  
“I’m so proud of you you little nugg,” Clarke laughed as she gave Tris a noogie, struggling as she realized that Tris was now officially taller than her.  
“Come on girls!” Patrick gestured to them from the front steps, “Get inside so we can start celebrating!”  
Celebrations in the Woods family always involved a barbecue, and that’s what Tris got. She’d found out about her admittance the day before, but had held off on telling her friends so that she could tell Lexa and Clarke in person, but once she did she was off like a bullet, calling and texting all her friends.  
Patrick loved to barbecue, always trying out new homemade marinades on steaks and chicken, so he encouraged Tris to invite as many friends over as she wanted. Tris, being the social butterfly that she was, sent out a few texts that went out like wildfire and by sunset the Woods’ backyard was full of high school seniors and the smell of a charcoal grill grilling up steaks, hot dogs and hamburgers.  
After the sun set, the temperature fell to below sixty degrees, but nobody seemed to mind, they were all too happy with the good music that came with Tris’ boyfriend came with a set of outdoor speakers and a beer pong table. Patrick supplied the beer and a beer pong tournament quickly started among the teens, Cleo, Patrick, Lexa and Clarke.  
Deciding to opt out after losing their first round, Lexa and Clarke hung back to watch, deciding to settle with just a beer each. The two sat together on a chair, quickly drawing closer to each other with Clarke’s arm wrapped around Lexa’s shoulder. Neither woman knew how they got in to that position, but they both were comfortable. They talked about parties they’d attended back when they were each in high school, both equally contributors to the conversation. They talked about Tris and her friends. Clarke didn’t divulge any memories, there was no need to. They talked about things they could equally contribute to, and for that they both were grateful.  
Things tended to wrap up early in TonDC, especially when parents were hosting the event, so it was just before midnight that Clarke and Lexa stumbled back inside the Woods home. While Clarke and Lexa were slightly tipsy, Cleo Patrick and Tris were all suitably drunk and were sent to bed each with a large glass of water to prevent them from having Thanksgiving Day hangovers.  
The more sober girls drank water as well, but weren’t worried about hangovers. They walked in to Lexa’s old room and pulled pajamas out of their bags. Lexa sat on the edge of the bed and took off her air cast before standing up to change. Neither woman made a big deal about it, but rather simply faced opposite walls while they got changed. Clarke turned off the lights while Lexa crawled in to bed. The light from the glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling directed Clarke in the dark to the bed.  
They started off on opposite sides of the mattress, but barely a few minutes had passed before they lay on their sides only inches apart, facing each other.  
“Do we want to get up early tomorrow and watch the Thanksgiving Day parade?” Clarke asked.  
Rather than answering her question, Lexa stated, “I never thought about how something so small as the word we could make me so happy.”  
“What do you mean?”  
“Whenever you say the word ‘we’, when referring to us, I get a flutter in my stomach. Like I know I belong to something, or rather am part of something.”  
Clarke stared at Lexa openly. It had taken them dating for almost a year before Lexa said anything like that to her before. Of course, in the past few years it was a lot more common, and Lexa’s sentiment managed to echo in Clarke how much she’d been feeling the loss of the girl she loved. She hoped this was a sign she was returning.  
“I know its hard for you to say ‘we’ when I’m not the same person that it should be referring to,” Lexa sighed, “And right after the accident, I wasn’t sure I wanted to be.”  
“What about now?” Clarke asked hopefully, brushing a curl that had fallen across Lexa’s face behind the girl’s ear, leaving her hand there.  
Lexa leaned in to the blonde’s hand, sighing with a smile as she responded, “I want to figure this out Clarke. It’s not just about getting my memories back for the sake of not having years missing from my life. It’s also about you. And yes, maybe I won’t get my memories back, maybe the amnesia will be permanent, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want us to try and work. I like you Clarke, I like you a lot. And I think I’m starting to understand how I fell in love with you in the first place.”  
All Clarke wanted to do was to tell Lexa that she loved her, but she knew she couldn’t, that Lexa wasn’t ready for that. Clarke was ready to ask a question of Lexa, when Lexa herself posed the question first.  
“Can I ask you something?” the brunette questioned. After Clarke nodded, Lexa asked, “Can I kiss you?”  
“Yes,” Clarke exhaled with a smile of relief.  
The two scooted just slightly closer and bent their heads together. Lexa closed the gap between them, pressing their lips together for a lingering kiss.  
After they finally pulled away from each other after several moments of soft, languid kissing, Lexa said, “I’m not sure if that was supposed to feel like our first kiss, or like second nature, but somehow it kind of felt like both.”  
Clarke surprised herself as she agreed with the sentiment. In some ways, kissing Lexa was as familiar as breathing, and that kiss was no exception to that, but it was still different. It still felt like a first. A first was something that she and Lexa hadn’t had in a very long time. It felt good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> part 2 coming tomorrow :)


	11. Thanksgiving Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clexa finishes Thanksgiving weekend in TonDC where fluff ensues before heading back to Polis

The next morning, Clarke woke to soft lips being pressed against her cheek. For a brief moment before opening her eyes, Clarke imagined the accident and everything after it to be an accident, but opening her eyes she realized it wasn't. Her face showed no disappointment though, but rather a soft smile as she realized that Lexa had, in fact woken her up by kissing her cheek. Even with everything that had gone wrong, lying there in Lexa's childhood bed wearing old pajamas with their limbs tangled it felt right.  
"Can we watch the parade on TV?" Lexa asked innocently and Clarke remembered what the brunette had said about the word 'we' the night before, and she felt butterflies. It was like she was falling in love for the first time again, only this time with the certainty that came with years of reciprocated love.  
Clarke nodded and slowly the girls got out of bed. Lexa didn't want to bother with her air cast, so Clarke helped her hobble in to the living room without it. Luckily, they'd had the foresight to at least clean up the interior of the house before bed so the couch was clean.  
After dropping Lexa on the couch, Clarke headed in to the kitchen to make them coffee. In the past few years she'd spent more time at Lexa's childhood home than her own. She always insisted it was because of the airfare price and that it made sense for Abby to pay for one ticket rather than Lexa and Clarke pay for two, but they all knew that wasn't the real reason. It was too hard for Clarke to spend time in a house that was missing its builder.  
Clarke poured coffee in to matching mugs that Tris and Lexa had painted as kids. With an eight year age difference between the two, it was clear whose was whose. Clarke headed in to the living room with the mugs and handed Lexa the one Tris made while keeping Lexa's to herself. The two settled in to the couch and turned on the TV.  
Two hours later when Cleo and Patrick finally emerged from their room, Tris still snoring away in her's, nobody talked about the fact that Lexa and Clarke were snuggled together on the couch, Lexa's free arm wrapped around Clarke whose back was against her, their hands locked around Clarke's front.

 

* * *

 

With 75% of the Woods family out of commission due to hangovers, Lexa and Clarke took over the responsibility of getting Thanksgiving dinner ready. Luckily they were never the type of family that had a huge, multi-course dinner, so it was possible for just the two of them to handle.  
Patrick had picked up groceries the day before, so all the girls needed to do was prepare and cook everything. They stuck the turkey in the oven first before getting to work on mashed potatoes and stuffing. Patrick had bought canned jellied cranberries and pre-made gravy which helped make the preparations easier.  
With most of dinner meal finished or in the oven, the Tris entered the kitchen in pajamas, asking if they needed help.  
“Good afternoon to you too,” Clarke laughed at the sight of Tris’ smeared make-up from the night before and epic bed head.  
“Where are mom and dad?” Tris asked.  
“Still dealing with their hangovers,” Lexa laughed in response, “Like I’m sure you are.”  
Tris stuck her hands on her hips, looking like an indignant child, “For your information, I’m not hungover. I’m eighteen, I bounce back quick.”  
“I’m sure sleeping for fourteen hours helps with that,” Clarke smirked, wrapping an arm around Lexa as she went to grab an egg from the fridge.  
Tris took in the sight of the girls acting more like their normal selves she smiled to herself. “Well I actually came to see if you needed help cooking or whatever, but now I think I might be interrupting so I’ll just…”  
As Tris started to back out of the kitchen, Lexa shook her head vehemently, “I don’t think so. We’ve still got apple and peanut butter pies to make and if we don’t get those started we’ll never have them ready for dessert.”  
Tris rolled her eyes and held up her hands in surrender, “Alright, alright,” she said, “What do you need me to do?”  
“Why don’t you start with peeling and cutting some apples,” Clarke gestured to the bowl of apples she’d just set aside.  
Before long, the girls started getting to work on the pies while singing along to the music Tris had put on after bringing her computer in to the kitchen. The playlist was a mix of both old songs and new songs, but Lexa found herself singing along to them all, somehow remembering the words to songs that her amnesia should have prevented her from remembering.  
Lexa found it felt natural to be doing something so ordinary with Clarke, especially when they stood side by side, elbows knocking as they kneaded the crust for the apple pie together. It was a job that really only needed one person, but they still did it together.  
When Clarke got a pinch of flour on the side of her mouth, Tris was quick to point it out, but after Clarke failed to wipe it off herself, Lexa dusted off her hands before bringing a hand to the blonde’s cheek. She rested her hand there on her cheek while she brushed the flour off with her thumb.  
“Ugh, you guys are so sappy and gross sometimes,” Tris mimed a puking gesture. She pretended to shield her eyes in disgust as Lexa smirked at her sister before placing her lips softly on Clarke’s. But for all Tris’ pretending, what she was really hiding was the smile hand her hand, because if she knew one anything, it was that Lexa was always happiest around Clarke. Tris had witnessed the way Lexa had changed from sealed off, to reckless, to finally happy in the years since Costia’s death, and she knew that Clarke was to thank for it. Not only that though, but Tris had quickly grown to love Clarke as well, and in the six years that had passed since they first met, she’d gone from appreciating her position as her sister’s girlfriend, to viewing Clarke as a sister of her own.  
Tris finally removed her hands from her face and rolled her eyes in typical teen fashion at Clarke and Lexa. To keep up the joking manner of annoyance, Clarke seized her opportunity and kissed Lexa once more. Tris groaned again. “Really Clarke?” But this time, her groan was accompanied by a smile that she didn’t bother to hide.  
The table was finally set for Thanksgiving dinner by 6 pm. The goal had been for it to be a late lunch, but instead ended up as an early dinner. After Clarke called her mom to wish her a Happy Thanksgiving and briefly got up with the Jaha family, the Woods family and Clarke all sat down to eat.  
Before they dug in to the delicious smelling meal, however, Cleo proposed they each go around the table and say something they were grateful for. None of them were religious, so they weren’t going to say a prayer, but Thanksgiving still held the tradition of giving thanks, even in the Woods family.  
Cleo offered to go first and glanced at each member of her family, Clarke included, before giving thanks, “This year, like all years, I’m grateful for my family. I am also grateful for certain advancements in medicine that allowed my daughter to survive her accident.”  
Next came Patrick, “I am grateful for living in a place that allows me to still have barbecues through the end of November.” They all chuckled and Patrick added a little more to his statement, “And I’m grateful to have friends and family to host barbecues for.”  
They were circling around the table taking turns, which meant that Tris was up next. “I’m thankful for the fact that an admission officer thought I actually deserved to go to college.” Everyone laughed at Tris’ statement. They all knew that Tris wasn’t the smartest in her class, nor the hardest worker, but she definitely had one of the best humors around.  
“I’m thankful for second chances,” Clarke took her turn. “I’m thankful for having a family that extends beyond my biological one and accepts me as family in return.” The blonde turned her head to face Lexa. “And I'm thankful for the people that stayed.” Though Clarke could have been referring to anyone, Lexa knew what the blonde meant. She knew that Clarke likely knew of her previous intent to leave her.  
After Clarke finished speaking, everyone turned to face Lexa. Lexa wasn’t great with sharing emotions, so she first started with a sarcastic comment, “I’m thankful to not worry about seven and a half years of embarrassing moments," but when she realized that sounded inappropriate, she decided to respond genuinely. “I’m thankful to know that I am loved unconditionally.”  
She didn't elaborate. She didn’t have to.

 

* * *

 

Sunday morning Clarke and Lexa hopped in to Clarke’s Jeep and headed out on the road. They wanted to get ahead of the traffic they were sure to hit. Even though both TonDC and Polis were small towns, Ark City was between them and bound to cause traffic the entire way. It was why they often took the train.  
Both girls had enjoyed their time with Cleo, Patrick and Tris, but were more than ready to get back to Polis and their quiet apartment. Clarke had spent some time sketching that weekend and Lexa had seen some of her old high school friends. Overall after the excitement that came with Tris' impromptu party and Thanksgiving, it had been a relatively chill weekend in TonDC.  
The drive ended up being over three hours long and the girls were definitely ready to chill and watch movies all afternoon after they arrived back home. They talked about possibly putting on a Harry Potter marathon when they returned so that Lexa could watch the last three movies for what referred to as the first time. They were currently taking a breaking from binge watching Buffy, wanting to extend season 7 a bit.  
Upon arrival, they each headed in to their rooms to change in to sweatpants. After taking off her aircast and throwing on some sweatpants, Lexa took a look around at the room she’d been calling her own for weeks. It was supposed to be a guest room, she knew that. It wasn’t nearly as homey as the room that she was supposed to be sleeping in. She knew what she wanted so she hobbled in to the room across the apartment.  
“Hey Clarke?” she asked, popping her head in to the room.  
Clarke finished pulling her sweatshirt over her head, her blonde hair all mussed up, “What’s up?” she asked.  
“I was thinking,” she walked in to the room, “That maybe I could move my stuff back in here.”  
Lexa couldn’t help but love the way Clarke looked when the smile grew on her face. She may have been wearing bagging grey sweatpants and a Polis College sweatshirt with a stain on it, but at the brunette saw was a beautiful girl she was starting to fall in love with, again.  
“Why don’t I bring the stuff in so you don’t have to walk around on your leg and you put the stuff away,” Clarke suggested.  
“Good idea,” Lexa agreed.  
It didn’t take long for Clarke to bring everything back in to their room and after the last load, Clarke went in to the living room to set up a movie on the TV while Lexa finished putting her stuff away.  
Holding a handful of socks, Lexa looked around their room. It was covered in Clarke’s paintings and drawings. It was the only room in their apartment where the paintings completely covered the wall without regard to how they all went together. Lexa smiled as she began to smell popcorn and opened the sock drawer to deposit her socks in. The drawer was messy and it took her a minute to organize everything so it would all fit.  
It was while she was organizing the socks that Lexa found the box. Confused, she withdrew it. A part of her knew what it was, but she didn’t let the thought cross her mind until she opened it. It was a ring. A gorgeous, vintage diamond ring. She didn’t know much about rings, but she knew enough to know that it was an engagement ring.  
With the box still open, Lexa limped in to the living room.  
“Ready to go back to Hogwarts?” Clarke asked with a smile, holding up a bowl of popcorn. The smile on her face quickly dropped as she saw what Lexa was holding.  
Clarke’s voice was caught in her throat as she looked at Lexa. The brunette was pale as a ghost and Clarke could see her hand was trembling slightly.  
“Clarke, what is this?” Lexa asked, her voice was shaky and terrified. The enormity of the box weighed down on her hand like boulder. When Clarke didn’t respond, Lexa continued to speak in the same shaky voice, “Were we engaged?”  
Clarke looked from the ring up to Lexa’s terrified face, knowing that her own was the mirror image of shock, she knew she had to respond, but no words came out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DUN DUN DUN


	12. Chosen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa comes to a realization

“Clarke?” Lexa asked once more, pleading with the blonde to explain to her the meaning behind the ring in the box she held in her shaking hand.  
The blonde carefully placed the bowl of popcorn on the living room table before silently walking over to Lexa. The girls maintained eye contact despite the silence and when Clarke finally reached Lexa, she took the ring box from her and shut it.  
“Clarke?” Lexa repeated.  
Clarke opened her mouth to respond, her voice was soft and uncertain, shaking, “You proposed on October 11th.”  
The bombshell dropped like a bullet in a silent room. Clarke’s voice had been barely over a whisper, but it seemed to break the sound barrier. “October 11th?” Lexa asked, “But wasn’t that…”  
“The day of your accident,” Clarke continued from where Lexa had trailed off.  
“How?” the brunette asked simply.  
“You proposed on the couch over there,” Clarke gestured to the living room over her shoulder. “We’d talked about it, marriage that is. It was a simple affair, perfect and straightforward. Just like you. We’d previously talked about the fact that we’d only get married after you stopped racing.”  
“It was supposed to be me my last race,” Lexa exhaled. Her shoulders slumped as she realized that the implications of her actions were even worse than she’d originally realized. Her recklessness hadn’t just caused the loss of her memory, but also the loss of a future she was meant to have, a future with Clarke. And even now, if they continued on their relationship, it wouldn’t be the same. She supposed she always knew it was her fault, but the knowledge hit her like a truck regardless.  
Even though the Lexa standing in front of her was in many ways a different person from the one she knew and loved, Clarke knew her well enough to know when something was wrong. She watched the way Lexa’s shoulders slumped and reached forward to brace them. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier. We hadn’t started any real planning yet and I thought it would be easier for you to adjust to the idea of a girlfriend over a fiance.” Clarke apologized as she wrapped her arms around the girls.  
Lexa stared over Clarke’s shoulder at the couch, wishing she could remember what it felt like to love someone with such certainty that she was willing to propose. Lexa returned the hug on instinct, but as they stood there for moments in silence, all Lexa could think about was the fact that her whole life she’d always opposed the idea of marriage.  
Lexa had always understood that there were logical explanations for wanting to get married and it wasn’t because she thought marriages were futile that she didn’t want to get married. Her own parents had been happily married for years and she knew that a happy marriage was possible, but she’d just never seen herself settling down. She’d always been scared of committing, for fear that she would lose herself in the process. As much as she loved to be part of a ‘we,’ she was terrified of losing her ‘I’.  
Neither woman spoke about the ring again after Clarke put it away in a drawer, both separately deciding that ignoring it and moving on was the best course of action. And for the first few days it was.  
Clarke was always busy with work in the weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Everyone always wanted to cram in physical therapy appointments before they went away on vacations, so she was gone most of the day. Meanwhile, Lexa had made the decision to spend some time at Polis High School where she’d been a teacher and was now supposed to be Assistant Principal. She talked to co-workers and past students, hoping to jog some memories. While it didn’t spark any memories, she found that she would remember a person’s name before they introduced herself, and that she had no trouble finding her way around the school. Both Dr. Knight and Clarke had been excited about the development.  
A little over a week after Lexa found the ring, Lexa and Clarke were sitting on the couch watching the final episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Their heads were at opposite ends of the couch, but Clarke’s hands were absentmindedly rubbing Lexa’s legs which as of that morning were cast free. It had been almost two months since the accident and Lexa’s physical injuries had finally healed.  
“Where do you think they went next?” Lexa asked as the credits of the final episode started to roll. She looked over at Clarke whose eyes were wet with unshed tears.  
Clarke brushed away the tears with the back of her hand. Even after watching the finale multiple times, she still cried at it. “There’s actually several comic book series that follow the characters,” she explained.  
“I guess that makes sense. Sunnydale was just one of many Hellmouths. There’s plenty of others for them to go to and defend.”  
“It’s not the same outside of Sunnydale though,” Clarke sighed, “I’ve never read the comics, but I sort of know what happened in them, and it’s not the same.”  
“Seven seasons was a lot, it had to end at some point,” Lexa pointed out. And suddenly she wasn’t sure if it was really the television show that she was talking about. What if she was a Hellmouth? She caused pain and suffering. She was full of demons. And Clarke was her Buffy, always trying to fight back the demons and defend the land where they resided. Buffy moved on though and Lexa wondered if Clarke would be able to.  
Lexa wasn’t sure if she loved Clarke anymore. All she had was two months with her to look back on, and while she was sure she was in the midst of falling in love with the girl, she had no way of knowing if she was there yet. But the life she shared with Clarke scared her, terrified her in fact. Sometimes she still felt eighteen and the enormity that came with sharing a life with someone in the mindset of an eighteen-year-old was nearly incomprehensible.  
They’d made the decision to forget about the ring, but suddenly that was all Lexa could think about. The woman who proposed to Clarke was sure of herself and their relationship. Lexa knew that. She knew that she wouldn’t have proposed unless she was certain of their relationship, their future and her ability to exist on her own while still in a relationship. The woman who proposed to Clarke was daring and courageous, despite being reckless. But that woman was not Lexa. At least, not currently.  
The pieces were all falling together quickly and Lexa finally realized why it was that she seemed to be blocked in not just having her memories return to her, but also with moving on with her life. She was stuck because she’d been cornered in to a ‘we’ before she even had a chance to discover her ‘me’.  
In the two months that Lexa had gotten to know Clarke, she’d come to realize that beating around the bush wasn’t worth the confusion it often caused. So, as a result, as soon as Lexa made her decision - mere minutes after the end of the episode - she spoke it out loud. “I’m going to go home. To my parents.”  
“For Christmas?” Clarke asked, still confused despite Lexa’s blunt statement. “Or did you want to go home earlier? Because we can do that.” She patted Lexa’s leg.  
Lexa pulled her legs off the couch and sat up straight, twisting her torso so she was facing Clarke directly. “No,” she began, “I need to go home. Just me. I think don’t think that my being here with you is beneficial. While I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, I really think its time for me to move home. I can’t be in a relationship when I don’t even know who I am.”  
Clarke’s face fell, not expecting any of what Lexa had said. “But, but,” she stuttered, “I want what’s best for you, but running away can’t be the answer. Please Lexa. I lo-.”  
Lexa cut the blonde off before she could finish her sentence, “Clarke, I’m not making this decision lightly. It’s something I’ve thought about several times since the accident, and with very little changed in my condition in two months, I think I need to make a bigger change.”  
“If it’s about the ring…”  
“It’s not, well not entirely. The ring just got me to realize that I need to find myself before I start thinking about anyone else. I need to be me again.”  
As much as she didn’t want to, Clarke understood the meaning behind Lexa’s words. Even if she had no idea what it was like to lose her identity, she knew that is exactly what Lexa was experiencing and finally coming to terms with. “Okay,” she relented, “I understand. And I’ll still be here for you no matter what. I’ll be a call or text away, always. And I’ll let you decide how often you want to talk.” She wanted to be okay with it, she knew she had to be in order to accept the fact that her life was crumbling apart as she spoke.  
“Thank you,” Lexa responded, knowing full-well what Clarke was sacrificing. She just hoped Clarke would be able to find another Hellmouth to defend.  
Not seeing any reason to draw out the inevitable, Lexa bought a train ticket to TonDC for the following afternoon. She called her parents as soon as she and Clarke finished their conversation, and while Cleo and Patrick were concerned, they supported Lexa, just like they always said they would.  
So less than twenty-four hours after deciding to leave, Clarke and Lexa drove up to the Polis train station. Clarke helped Lexa remove two suitcases from the back of her car.  
“I’ll go through all the stuff we didn’t have a chance to and ship it to you,” she spoke, putting off goodbye.  
“Unless you think I’ll really need it, then don’t worry too much about it,” Lexa responded, “I don’t want to cause you any more hassle than I already have.”  
“You could never be a hassle Lexa.”  
They could see the train rounding the corner in the distance and it was time to say their goodbyes. Lexa pulled Clarke in to a hug and held her tightly. “Thank you for everything Clarke.”  
“You’ll call me when you get home? So I know you’re safe?” Clarke asked, trying to hold back the tears she knew were on the brink of spilling.  
“I will,” Lexa responded. She owed Clarke that much. She wasn’t sure how she felt about staying in contact with the blonde once she was home, but at the very least she’d tell her she arrived safely.  
The train pulled to a stop and the doors opened. Clarke walked Lexa to the door. “Logically, I know I should say this, and I know it’s not fair to either of us for me to say it, but I need you to know,” she sputtered out quickly, “I love you Lexa. I love you and that’s not going to change. And I know you might not love me back right now, but that’s okay. It’s been two months since I’ve been able to say it and now you’re leaving and I can’t let you leave without saying it once more.” Lexa was standing just inside the train car and as the doors started to close Clarke said once more, “I love you.”  
The doors closed and the train started to move. All the while, Lexa stood staring at Clarke, her eyes moving to follow her as the train pulled away until she couldn’t see her tearing blue eyes or greasy blonde hair anymore.  
When the Polis station was completely out of sight, Lexa found herself a seat in an empty car. She supposed traveling during the week in the middle of the day before schools let out for the holidays had its benefits. She tucked away her suitcases and sat in a seat beside the window, pulling her knees to her chest and crumpling in to a ball.  
It had been two months since her accident, something Clarke had just reminded her. And in those two months, she had seen and heard Clarke shed countless tears, but Lexa herself had not cried once. She had never been a crier. But as she left behind her life and the woman who loved her, the woman she knew she loved back, Lexa’s eyes started to prickle and before long tears were streaming down her face. The tears kept coming along with hiccups and sobs. She couldn’t control them.  
But then finally, after what seemed like forever, she fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I think I'm going to go and hide right now...


	13. The Train

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The train from Polis to TonDC was one Lexa took many times with Clarke

_“Quick!” Lexa exclaimed, grabbing on to Clarke’s hand as she led her to the back of the train car, “There’s an empty three-seater open!” Lexa threw her bag on the rack above the empty row before grabbing Clarke’s from her hands and throwing it up with hers._  
_“Why a three seater?” Clarke asked with a laugh, amused by the enthusiasm her girlfriend was showing._  
_“So we can put a seat between us, obviously,” Lexa deadpanned, “I’m already spending all Thanksgiving break with you, there’s only so much I can stand of you.” Lexa plopped down on to the window seat and pulled Clarke down with her as the train started moving. The brunette’s back rested against the window and her legs extended on to the three seats, and she pulled Clarke down on to her lap._  
_Clarke let out a laugh, but relaxed into Lexa’s grasp. She let the brunette wrap her arms around her. She craned her neck to look at the girl behind her, “Okay, who are you and what have you done with my ultra cool, leather jacket wearing street racing girlfriend?”_  
_Lexa blew in Clarke’s ear before peppering her neck and face with kisses. “I’m her good twin, I only come out to play when I’m around gorgeous girls that I just happen to be in love with.”_  
_“Who knew it would take you only a year to turn from badass racer chick to total sappy good,” Clarke teased._  
_“Technically it’s only been 364 days. We’re not quite at the year mark yet my dear.”_  
_“It’s our first holiday together,” Lexa acknowledged._  
_“We had Halloween together,” Clarke smirked back, pulling her girlfriend’s hand to her lips._  
_“You’re coming to my house for Thanksgiving,” Lexa spoke calmly, “You’re spending a real holiday with my family.”_  
_“Aren’t I the best girlfriend in the world?”_  
_“Our Thanksgivings aren’t big and we don’t have ten courses. We don’t have a ton of relatives come over and it’s probably just going to be us. And Tris is eleven and going to annoy you the whole time and my parents might make you sleep on the pullout like you did over the summer and…”_  
_“Lexa!” Clarke interrupted her girlfriend. “You need to stop rambling. As adorable as it is that you’re getting nervous about this, you don’t need to. It’s going to be fine.”_  
_“I love you,” Lexa sighed, pulling Clarke in closer._  
_“I love you too.”_

* * *

Lexa woke to the announcement of the train stopping in Ark City. She was halfway home. She wiped at the dry tears on her cheeks and looked down at her phone. She quickly sent off a text to Tris to tell her she was halfway home before setting an alarm to wake her up before the stop for TonDC in case she fell asleep again.

Just as Lexa attempted to settle back in to her nap, an older woman caught her eye from across the aisle. “Excuse me, miss?” the woman spoke.  
Lexa glanced up at her, “Yes?” she asked.  
“I’m sorry if I’m intruding, but I wanted to let you know that it will be okay.”  
“I’m sorry?” Lexa furrowed her brow in confusion.  
“I can tell that something is wrong, and I may not know what it is, but I can promise you it will all work out in the end. It always does. Even if it isn’t in the way you expect it to.”  
Lexa stared at the older woman. The woman was probably around her mother’s age, maybe a little younger. Something about her short cropped, black hair and her voice seemed oddly familiar, but she couldn’t place it.  
Lexa stared down at her hands, her finger’s raw and nails short from biting them. “How do you know?” she finally asked. When she looked up, she saw the woman was gone.

* * *

_“Lexa! Will you please just pick a seat already!” Clarke pleaded._

_Without turning around to look at Clarke, Lexa took a seat in the next open two seater. She sat on the aisle seat, throwing her bag on to the empty window seat beside her._  
_“Are you going to scoot in so I can sit?” the blonde asked._  
_Lexa crossed her arms across her chest, ignoring her girlfriend._  
_Clarke looked around the train car, huffing in exasperation when she saw no other open seats. “You’re twenty-one years old, so stop acting like a child.”_  
_The brunette threw her bag on the ground with a loud thump and scooted over in to the window seat, still not talking to the blonde who sat beside her. Her arms remained crossed on her chest and she stared out the window, continuing to ignore Clarke._  
_Clarke had been trying to talk to Lexa for hours to no avail. In fact, Lexa had done so well with fully ignoring her, the Clarke almost missed Lexa leaving her parents’ house for the train. The brunette had been carrying her bag out to the car, ready to leave Clarke behind when Tris explained that Lexa decided to head back to Polis a day early. Clarke, of course, had quickly thrown her stuff in a bag and hopped in the car with Patrick and Lexa._  
_The silence between them was louder than the argument Clarke had expected to come after that morning. She would rather have her girlfriend yelling at her than ignoring her, at least that way they could hash it out and air their griefs._  
_After the first hour on the train passed in silence, Clarke couldn’t handle it any longer. “Just say something Lexa!” she exclaimed. She saw Lexa wince, surprised by the break in silence. “You can’t ignore me forever.”_  
_“Sure I could,” the girl deadpanned, keeping her gaze trained on the world beyond the window._  
_Clarke scoffed at the other girl’s statement, though glad she’d finally said something. “In case you’re forgetting, we live together. Oh and I don’t, maybe the fact that I’m your girlfriend and you can’t keep ignoring me forever.”_  
_“So I’m your girlfriend now?” Lexa scoffed in return, finally turning in her seat to face Clarke. “I thought I was just some reckless racer without any aim in life. I didn’t realize that it was oaky to talk so much shit about your girlfriend with her mom.”_  
_“Come on Lexa, don’t be ridiculous,” Clarke fought back. It was the fight that had been coming ever since Clarke and Cleo had ganged up on Lexa that morning after breakfast. They’d brought up the fact that they were seniors now and that they needed to focus on their futures. Clarke had just been offered an internship with a physical therapist, meanwhile Lexa was racing more than ever. Clarke had complained that Lexa was acting reckless and that she wanted her to stop racing, or at the very least, cut back on the amount she was racing. And Cleo had been concerned that Lexa had no plans for after college yet. They had cornered her and ragged on her until Lexa yelled back that she couldn’t stand being in the same room as them any longer and left._  
_“Ridiculous? Ridiculous?” Lexa’s voice grew louder and earned glares from passengers around them. “Ridiculous is the fact that I have to deal with both of you nagging me and picking on me for no real reason.”_  
_“It may have been wrong for us to corner you like that, but it wasn’t without reason! Think about all the accidents that have happened four years since you’ve started racing. Do you know how lucky you are that you haven’t gotten hurt yet? One day you’re going to get hurt and it’ll be too late to fix it.”_  
_“Why should you care?” Lexa’s voice was bitter and full of venom. “What I do in my own time is my own business. I’m allowed to make my own decisions. I’m my own person.”_  
_“You may be your own person Lexa, but you can’t continue to act as if you’re the only one impacted by your decisions. Raven almost died from racing and now she’ll never be the same. What do you think it would do to your parents, Tris…me….if you got hurt? So yeah, I’m going to continue nagging you about it. Because I love you, but I can’t handle the thought of you going out every night, putting your life at risk. I know it’s a part of who you are, and how you cope, I just want you to calm it down a bit. To stop racing in the large pack races where someone always gets hurt.”_  
_“Is that why you stopped coming to my races?” Lexa bit back, “Because it wasn’t sexy anymore?”_  
_“No,” Clarke shook her head, “I stopped coming because I can’t stand the thought of watching you get hurt.” Her voice cracked at the end of her sentence. Her anger had risen to the point of exasperation._  
_At the sound of Clarke breaking, Lexa softened. “You haven’t come to a race in months, why didn’t you just tell me that from the start?”_  
_“I guess because I thought that I was more likely to lose you by admitting the truth than by hearing about you dying in an accident.”_  
_“Just…Just talk to me from now on. Tell me when something’s bothering you rather than letting it bottle up and ganging up on me with my mother.”_  
_“I’m sorry.”_  
_“Me too,” Lexa sighed. She returned to watching the scenery go by in the window. Several minutes passed in silence, but the silence was more melancholy and less angry than the one that had hung over them only minutes earlier. “I’ll stop racing pack races,” she whispered in a barely audible voice, ‘I can’t stop altogether, but I’ll only race with other experienced racers and not in packs.”_  
_The brunette placed a hand on Clarke’s hand and a comfortable silence fell over the couple._

* * *

Clarke avoided going home after dropping Lexa off at the train. She couldn’t stand the thought of being there without Lexa in the home they’d found together. Clarke had never spent a night there without her, and even though she knew it was her new reality, actually going home was too real.

So instead of going home, Clarke headed over to the old abandoned school where the street races were held. She didn’t even realize that’s where she was headed until she was nearly there.  
She sat on the bleachers for several hours, alone. It was where she had met Lexa, so it was only fitting it was the place she would return to after letting her leave. Maybe it was the only kind of closure she’d ever get. She couldn’t imagine ever truly moving on for Lexa.  
Clarke knew she had to get out of the cold when the sun started to set. The first real cold front of the season had hit and she knew a snow storm was on the horizon. She’d just gotten in her car to drive home when she got a text from Tris.

 

> **Baby Woods:** Just picked up Lexa from the train. Her phone is dead and she asked me to text you to tell you she was safe.  
>  **Clarke:** Thanks Tris. Does she seem okay to you?  
>  **Baby Woods:** She said she dreamed about you on the train. Two separate dreams. Only, I think they were memories, not dreams.  
>  **Clarke:** I guess getting away from me is helping after all.  
>  **Baby Woods:** It won’t be forever.  
>  **Clarke:** You don’t know that.  
>  **Baby Woods:** No, but I know you and Lexa. And you’re both stubborn as hell. And grossly in love. You can’t lose that shit. It sticks with you. By the way you two were when around each other over Thanksgiving, I can tell you that love is like a disease, you can forget about it, but it’s always there. You can’t fake it.  
>  **Clarke:** I don’t want you to spy on her for me, but if something happens, if she isn’t okay, will you tell me?  
>  **Baby Woods:** Of course. You’re my future sister-in-law, of course I’ll tell you.  
>  **Clarke:** Please don’t call me that.  
>  **Baby Woods:** You’re family Clarke, don’t forget that.

Clarke sighed and drove home to her empty apartment, thinking of Tris’ words. As much as she’d been hoping to hear from Lexa, a large part of her was glad Tris had been the one to text her. It allowed her to give Lexa space, while still remaining connected to her.  
That night, Clarke refused to sleep in their room. Instead, she lay down on the couch. But after hours of trying to sleep, she couldn’t. She’d thought she would cry herself to sleep that night, but for once she didn’t feel like crying. She was sad, yes, but more than that she just felt lonely and broken, like a piece of her was missing. Lexa had left because she needed to find herself, but with her she’d taken a part of Clarke.  
Eventually she relented and picked up her phone. The rings echoed in the empty apartment.  
“Hello?” came the voice on the other side of the line, tired but not to the point where Clarke feared she’d woken the other girl up.  
“Octavia, can you come over? I don’t want to be alone tonight.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We may not have had any clexa interactions in the present, but I hope you all enjoyed another look in to their past!
> 
> Thanks again for everyone's support here/on tumblr. I love hearing from you all and hearing what you think and your guesses on what will happen next! Just a heads up that for chapters 17 and 18, I'll be asking specific things from you all to include in the chapters, but I can't tell you what just yet because SPOILERS
> 
> madgirlbackhome.tumblr.com


	14. Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Both Clarke and Lexa deal with being alone

"No one believes me when I say I'm okay," Clarke sighed. "I don't want to mope around, I just want to get back to my life. I can move on. Why is it Rose, that nobody understands that?" She placed the electric stimulation pads on her patient's shoulder.  
"You were with Lexa for seven years, it's only been three days since she left," the older woman responded, wincing slightly at the cold pads touching her bare skin.  
“Tell me when,” Clarke gestured to the dial she began to rotate, turning up the level of electric stimulation. After a few moments Rose gave her a signal to stop. “I know it’s officially only been three days, but Lexa hasn’t really been my Lexa for over two months. I saw glimmers of her, but even then it was a muted version of the woman I loved.”  
“I remember when she surprised you here for your birthday back in September,” Rose grinned up at the blonde. “I’d heard you talk about her before, of course, but that was the first day I actually met her. I wish that somebody looked at me the way she looked at you.”  
“What about Jacob?” Clarke asked, speaking of Rose’s husband of forty years.  
Rose offered Clarke a soft smile before explaining, “Jacob loves me, of that I have no doubt. But I’ve never seen anyone look at you the way Lexa did that day. Even after nearly seven years together, she looked at you like you were an angel fallen from heaven, like you belonged to some celestial heaven and that she would give anything just to be near you.”  
Clarke handed Rose a hand bell and stood from her seat, “Some one will come by in half an hour to take those pads off, but if in the meantime you need anything, just ring the bell.” Rose was usually one of Clarke’s favorite patients, but the last thing she wanted was to hear about how much Lexa used to love her. She was trying to move on and Rose wasn’t helping. Clarke had even downloaded Tinder the night before in a moment of strength. She didn’t plan to use it, not for a while anyway, but seeing the app on her phone was reassuring in an odd way.  
When Clarke returned to the break room, not having another patient until later that afternoon, Clarke took out her sketchbook and began to draw. For once, she found that she had no muse to draw Lexa at all.  
The sketch eventually came together, and though it was not of Lexa physically, Clarke felt the girl’s presence in the drawing. It screamed Lexa. It spoke of her absence. It was loss. It was beautiful and terrible and that scared Clarke. It was moving on.

* * *

_ It was spring of their junior year at college and Clarke, Lexa and many of their friends were at the beach for spring break. They’d rented a house that was cheap and much too small for the group of them and they quickly learned that they needed to stay drunk if they didn’t want to kill each other for lack of space. _

_Several days in to the vacation, Lexa woke up earlier than the rest of the house, something that wasn’t hard to do when the others tended to sleep until noon and drink starting at 12:30pm and not finish until after 2:00am. Lexa had a tendency to pace herself when it came to drinking so she never woke hungover._   
_Lexa snuck out of the bed she was sharing with Clarke and Raven, stepping over Jasper who had fallen asleep on the floor beside the bed. She grabbed a bathing suit from her bag and quickly changed in to it. She had already started to put it on by the time she realized it was Clarke’s, but didn’t stop. She walked out to the beach, feeling melancholy and sat by herself in the sand, watching a handful of boats sailing in the distance._   
_She hadn’t wanted to spend spring break at the beach. Ever since the boating accident with Costia, the ocean had lost its appeal to her, but all her friends were going and while she knew Clarke would have gone wherever Lexa wanted to, Lexa didn’t want to ask that of Clarke._   
_Lexa knew it was Clarke that came up behind her by the shape of her shadow. “Hey babe,” she spoke as soon as she saw the shadow, her voice more somber than she wanted it to be._   
_“I woke up and you weren’t there,” Clarke pouted, sitting down beside her girlfriend. “Raven isn’t as good at sharing the covers as you are.”_   
_“I wasn’t expecting you to get up so early,” Lexa turned her head to face Clarke._   
_Clarke always told Lexa that Lexa kept her heart in her eyes, that all her emotions were there. So the moment Lexa looked at her, Clarke knew something was wrong. “What’s wrong?” Clarke asked immediately, placing an arm on Lexa’s shoulders._   
_Lexa had been feeling off all morning, but she hadn’t exactly registered the fact that she was sad until Clarke asked her what was wrong. “I don’t know,” she responded honestly. After Clarke wrapped an arm around her and pulled her in to her chest, Lexa continued, “It’s just, I haven’t really spent much time at the beach since Costia.”_   
_“I should have realized that this would be hard for you, I’m sorry.”_   
_“I didn’t think it would be hard,” Lexa let out as a gasp. Lexa and Clarke had been dating for nearly two and a half years at that point and firsts were becoming less frequent of an occurrence, but as Lexa admitted to the fact she was suffering, the girls experienced a first. Lexa had never let herself cry in front of Clarke before, but the tears came before she had a chance to stop them._   
_“Oh Lexa,” Clarke cooed as she pulled Lexa further in to her arms. She held her tight and soothed down her curly hair._   
_Lexa grabbed a fistful of Clarke’s t-shirt and let herself be held as her body was wracked with sobs. She didn’t let her think about the fact that she was surrendering herself entirely to Clarke when she was at her most vulnerable, she simply let it happen._   
_Clarke didn’t try and tell Lexa that everything would be okay, but rather let Lexa let it all out. She knew that Lexa needed just to feel, and not keep it bottled up as she was prone to do._   
_It didn’t take long for Lexa to let out all her tears, tears she still was trying to decipher the reason they had come in the first place. Lexa lifted her face off Clarke’s shirt, wiping at where her tears had soaked through the t-shirt._   
_“Thank you,” Lexa spoke softly._   
_Clarke wiped the stray tears from Lexa’s red cheeks with the pads of her thumbs and kissed her forehead._

* * *

“Come Christmas shopping with me,” Tris said, appearing in the doorway to Lexa’s room. Lexa had been watching a movie on her laptop, not having yet left her bed for the day.

“I’m busy,” Lexa pouted before returning to look at her computer screen. She’d already forgotten what she was watching, but not because of her amnesia, but rather because her mind was elsewhere. She had trouble paying attention to anything since she’s been home. It had been a week already and she’d barely left her bed.  
Tris entered her sister’s room and plopped down on the bed beside her. She shut the laptop, forcing Lexa to look at her. “Okay to start, you need to get out of bed because you smell,” Tris crinkled her nose scooting a bit away from Lexa, “And secondly you need to get out of bed because it’s almost Christmas and you’re acting like the grinch.”  
“I’m not in the mood for singing carols and eating candy canes Tris,” Lexa rolled her eyes as she spoke in a bitter tone.  
“Here’s the deal Lexa, Clarke asked me to let her know if you weren’t okay, and I really don’t want to have to tell her that I’m concerned you’re depressed and that I haven’t seen you eat more than a handful of popcorn in the past twenty-four hours.” Tris threatened, “I don’t want to have to tell her because I know it will hurt her and because it means that you’re hurting.”  
Lexa sat up and pulled her knees to her chest. It was still weird, being around an eighteen-year-old Tris when two months earlier, Lexa though herself to be that age. “I feel like there’s a part of me that’s missing,” she admitted. “My memories have started to return, I think, but there’s something off about them. There are only about a handful of them, which I guess is better than nothing, but it feels as if there is a filter on them. “I can remember the events, but the feelings associated with them are out of reach, something is missing.”  
“Is it like the soul them is missing?”  
Lexa’s eyes widened as she looked at her sister, her sister who was suddenly wiser than her years. “Yeah,” she nodded, “But its not just missing the memories, it’s missing from me.”  
“You’ll find it, I know you will.”  
“I didn’t realize that that part of me was gone when I was with Clarke. With her, I only really thought about the memories, I didn’t realize there was more too it,” Lexa admitted, “And what’s worse it that even though I know now that there’s a part of me that’s missing, all I can think about is how much I miss her voice, her smile, her sky blue eyes, the way her voice sounds when she’s sleepy and the way she never let go, even after all I did to cause her pain.”  
“I wonder if there’s a reason for all that,” Tris probed, “I wonder if there’s a link between those two trains of thought.”  
“I think I fell in love with her,” Lexa sighed, “I fell in love with her in only two months.”  
“You were already in love with her, it just took you two months to figure it out.”

* * *

It was December 20th, and ten days had passed since Lexa had boarded a train to TonDC, ten days had passed since Clarke had heard Lexa’s voice. She was trying not to remember the sound of Lexa’s voice when Octavia paused her video game.

“You know, you can come with us to Lincoln’s parents’ house for Christmas you know,” Octavia offered, “Bell and Raven will be there and his parents love to have guests.”  
Clarke put down her pencil that had been hovering over an empty sketchbook page for nearly an hour, “Thanks for the offer Octavia, but I think I’ll just stay here.”  
“You’re not spending Christmas alone,” Octavia stated matter-of-factly.  
Clarke shook her head and offered an explanation, “My mom booked a flight to Ark City a few months back. Lexa and I were going to pick her up on our way to TonDC where we were going to spend Christmas. I figured it was silly for Mom to waste her ticket, so she’s just going to come here. It’ll be just the two of us, but that’s fine. It’ll be nice to spend some time with her, just me and her.”  
“Okay,” Octavia relented warily. “Lincoln, Raven and I were planning on hitting the road early tomorrow morning because its an eight hour drive, but if you need me to stay an extra day, I totally can.”  
“Don’t be silly,” Clarke shook her head, “I’m fine, I’ve told you a dozen times that I’m fine. I’ve accepted that fact that she’d gone, I don’t need you to stay and babysit me.”  
“I didn’t mean because of Lexa,” Octavia lowered her voice, “I meant because of what tomorrow is.”  
Clarke quickly took out her phone and checked the date, and sure enough, the next day was the twenty-first. She’d been counting the days since Lexa had left, but forgotten to pay attention to the calendar. Tomorrow was the 21st and she’d nearly forgotten.  
“I’ll be fine,” Clarke repeated, though her voice was now less certain. She needed to learn to deal with her emotions on her own. She needed to learn how to get through the next day on her own, knowing what the next day held. She needed to learn, because the girl that had always helped her through that day was now gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all SO SO much for all your comments/kudos, I truly appreciate each one  
> as thanks, I'm offering you both a hint and a quote from tomorrow's chapter
> 
> Hint: it's going to be long and it's going to be very important
> 
> Quote: "She never expected to experience something so traumatic again, but just moments after waking up, she did."


	15. December 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa finds that something has changed

In the end, Lexa had agreed to go Christmas shopping with Tris and they had spent the entire afternoon at the mall. Lexa, in general, wasn’t a big fan of shopping, but having spent the past ten days, she’d barely left her bed and the shopping had left her exhausted. As a result, she’d slept until nearly noon the next morning.  
Lexa woke up slightly disoriented, it took her longer than usual to realize that she was in her childhood bedroom in TonDC and not back in Polis. Still groggy, she reached over to her side table and grabbed her phone. She rubbed her eyes as she looked down at the screen. She had unread messages from Tris, Octavia and Anya as well as a voicemail. She called her voicemail and listened to the short message. She recognized Clarke’s voice right away. It was shaky and uncertain, but Lexa knew it was her.  
“I’m sorry, I just really needed to hear your voice. I won’t call back.”  
The message was short and to the point and it struck a cord in Lexa. She looked her phone while she contemplated calling Clarke back. Her phone lit up with the notification of a snapchat from Tris, and that was when she saw the date; December 21st 2015.  
She remembered the doctor explaining that memories returned for different reasons. Some came randomly, while others could be coaxed by another participant repeating the memory. Most memories would return one at a time, but there was a chance many could return at once. It was unlikely, but possible. It would take a traumatic event for them to trigger.  
Lexa wasn’t sure if it was the sound of Clarke’s broken voice or the reality of what the day’s date stood for, but it hit her all at once. The memories came like a trauma of their own. They came to arrived like a train, ready to take her to where she belonged, only this time the memories weren’t a second-hand experience, they were hers and hers alone. And the first one that came was the worst day of her girlfriend’s life, December 21st 2013.

* * *

_ “I’ve never wanted to go home less in my life,” I sighed as I pulled Clarke towards me. I could see the snow falling steadily in the light of the dusk sky just over her shoulder. _

_We’d woken up that morning at 5:00 am to the sound of my phone ringing, it was an automated voice message announcing that the high school I taught at was having a snow day for impending weather. An hour later, Clarke’s phone had rung. It was the owner of the practice where she’d just started working, telling her the same that I had heard from my own job. Needless to say, the only time we’d left bed all day was to either grab food from the kitchen or from the delivery guy._   
_We’d spent the day lying in bed naked, just spending time together and watching a handful of movies. Occasionally hands would start to wander and we were forced to pause our movies and deal with Clarke’s wandering hands. Well, both of our wandering hands. Okay, maybe mine more than hers._   
_“It’s only a week,” she responded, her hands splaying out on my stomach, her head rested on my bare chest._   
_Absentmindedly, I played with her sweaty blonde hair. I wanted nothing more than to just stay there forever, to never leave our little corner of heaven, to never leave our bed. Our snowed in, heavenly bed._   
_“I just hate being away from you for so long,” I sighed. Sure, we’d always been apart for Christmas, spending the holiday with our own families, but we’d now been dating for five years and it seemed time to spend the holiday together, just like we did for the rest of them._   
_“So do I,” she conceded. Her arms wrapped around me, pulling me closer._   
_“Can this be this last year we go separately to our families?” I pleaded. I knew the words made me sound weak, but it had been a long time since I’d believed that love was weakness. Clarke had shown me that it wasn’t and after five years of dating her, I knew what weakness was. Weakness was not giving in to love. Weakness was not appreciating those you loved and those who loved you back._   
_“You are my family,” Clarke responded, looking up at me._   
_I leaned down and kissed her forehead. “You’re my everything,” I admitted in response._   
_In the past few months we’d started talking more and more about our futures, and not just our immediate futures, our joint future. Surprisingly, it didn’t scare me at all. The fact that I was excited about dedicating my future to this one beautiful girl scared me more than anything. So when Clarke next spoke, her words weren’t totally unexpected, but they were about something I hadn’t ever spent much time thinking about._   
_“We can have Christmases here, in Polis. We’ll moved in to a house maybe in a few years like we talked about, then there will be room for my parents, your parents and Tris. Neither of us have extended families, so it makes the most sense. And when we have kids, it’ll be easier to do the whole Santa thing here and not have to travel with presents and potentially spoil it all.” My beautiful blonde girl scooted further up my body so that our faces were close to level and those crazy blue eyes of hers bore in to mine._   
_“How many kids are we going to have?” I asked. She could have send one hundred and I would have agreed. I would do anything for her._   
_“At least two,” she spoke matter-of-factly. “I hated being an only child, and I think it’s nice that you and Tris have each other, even if you’re eight years apart.”_   
_“What about four?” I suggested, the reasons coming together in my head quickly, the image of our future family coming together in my head. “We both come from small families and I was always jealous of people who had a lot of cousins and big family gatherings. And with four, they’ll always have someone on their side. If we had three, it would be easy for one of them to feel left out.”_   
_“Four it is then,” she smiled, and I had to kiss her. Her lips were magnetic and mine were drawn to them like that’s what they’d been born to do._   
_The sound of Clarke’s phone ringing interrupted our little paradise. I knew Clarke would ignore it, but from where I lay I could see it was her mom calling. “It’s your mom,” I sighed, “You should pick that up. She’s probably wondering when your flight gets in tomorrow.”_   
_Clarke groaned and I handed her the cellphone. She pressed the speaker phone button and rested the phone on my chest so that she could continue lying on my bare body. “Hey mom,” she spoke._   
_“Clarke,” came the voice from over the phone. Both Clarke and I knew immediately that something was wrong. Abby wasn’t someone who showed much emotion, that was Jake’s job, but in that one word I could tell that she was holding back tears._   
_“Mom?” Clarke asked. I could feel her body tense and she looked up at me, her eyes asking whether I’d heard it too. When Abby didn’t respond, Clarke sat up quickly, “Mom? Is something wrong?”_   
_“It’s Dad,” Abby finally responded, her voice sounded hollow and it was clear she was struggling to keep calm for Clarke._   
_“Is he okay?” Clarke asked carefully, trying to stay calm herself._   
_“He’s dead Clarke,” Abby’s voice finally cracked as she let out a sob, “Someone shot him.”_   
_With those words Clarke’s life, and mine by association, changed forever._

* * *

 

The second Lexa recognized the day for what it was, she was out of bed and pulling a sweatshirt over her head and stepping in to an old pair of sweatpants. She didn’t even think about what she was wearing, only throwing on an ugly pair of Uggs once she realized it was snowing out.  
When she hurried out of her room in to the kitchen, she saw her parents and sister sitting together at the kitchen table playing a game of cards. If she weren’t so focused on the task at hand, she would have made a remark about how nerdy they were, but she didn’t have that option.  
“Can someone take me to the train station? I need to be on the next train back to Polis,” she spoke, interrupting the game.  
Three sets of green eyes stared up at her, but it was Cleo who spoke first, “Is something wrong sweetie?”  
“I need to get back to Polis, I need to be there now,” Lexa didn’t know how to explain what was going on. She didn’t have time to explain. Trains only came through Polis a couple times a day and she needed to make sure she was on one.  
When Tris spoke next, is was as a statement and not a question, “You remember.”  
Likewise, Lexa spoke in the statement, “Everything.”  
Patrick was the first up out of his seat. He hurried over to the front hall and grabbed the keys to their old Chevy before tossing them to Lexa. “Take the car,” he said.  
“I can’t take the car,” she spoke back, “What’ll you guys use?”  
“We have no plans,” Cleo spoke reassuringly, “Come back when you can, we’ll just spend some quality time with Tris. After all, she’ll be off to college before we know it and we won’t be able to do this any longer.”  
Lexa could tell that her sister wasn’t entirely too fond of the idea of spending an unknown amount of time trapped in the house with her parents, but the girl was smart enough not to speak the words out loud.  
Without another word, Lexa was out the door and in the car only moments later. If there was one thing Lexa was good at, it was driving under stress, and that’s what she was doing. She normally wasn’t someone who used her phone when driving, but she needed to call Clarke. About twenty minutes in to the drive, she searched through her pockets for phone, only to realize that she’d left it in her room. She knew that turning back then though would cost her at least an hour and she couldn’t do that.  
So she drove, she drove just over the speed limit, using her knowledge of the common spots where police held speed traps to make sure she wouldn’t be pulled over on the way. After all, she still had a suspended license as a result of the accident that caused the mess she was currently in in the first place.  
She needed to be with Clarke, not because she needed Clarke, though that was true, but because she knew that Clarke needed her and that Clarke should not be alone on the second anniversary of her dad’s murder.

* * *

 

Clarke woke to a voicemail on her phone from her mom, but she didn’t listen to it. She couldn’t. She though she would be okay with the anniversary, but after only a few hours of being awake that day, she already knew she wouldn’t be.  
She called Lexa on impulse around ten that morning, glad when it went to voicemail. The recorded message on Lexa’s voicemail was made by Lexa before the accident, and the sound of that voice calmed Clarke slightly. But it also made her realize how much she’d lost. Lexa was just another person whom she’d loved and lost, like Wells and her Dad before her.  
Clarke logically knew that she could never have saved Wells from leukemia, nor her Dad from the man who shot and killed him while trying to rob the hardware store he owned, but could she have saved Lexa? Lexa hadn’t died, but Clarke felt that a large part of Lexa had, and that maybe it was her fault. Maybe she should have tried harder to get her to stop racing. She should have given her more reason to stay away from racing.  
Unable to handle the empty apartment anymore, Clarke threw on warm clothes and headed out to the car. The snow had just started, but she didn’t mind. She drove to the place that held only good memories, the place she found peace.  
When she arrived only fifteen minutes later, she left her car and sat on the bench beside the lake. She knew it would just keep getting colder, but the crisp air felt nice, and the snow falling lightly on the lake calmed her. She took a deep breath and just sat there.  
She sat there alone, in the secluded woods by the lake, until a figure came up behind her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, this chapter was kind of a bfd in terms of Lexa's development  
> Only 5 chapters left, wow! It's just about time to start thinking about my next story it seems...
> 
> Really loving all your comments/messages/questions! Thanks!
> 
> madgirlbackhome.tumblr.com


	16. The Lake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was the place where they had their first date, and it was the place they found each other again

Lexa pulled in to the space in front of their apartment building in record time. She’d never made the trip in such a short amount of time. She quickly put the car in park before hurrying up the stairs to the third floor where there apartment was. Luckily, they’d had the forethought to give Lexa’s parents an extra key and they’d put it on their car keys ring.  
Upon entering the apartment, Lexa found it empty. The entire home was spotless and that’s how Lexa knew that Clarke wasn’t okay. Clarke only ever cleaned when she was stressed or trying to avoid her emotions.  
The brunette took a moment to wander around the apartment, seeing it both with fresh and old eyes. It was as if she was seeing it for the first time in two months, but all the while experiencing it for the memories it held both before and after the accident. It was a surreal feeling, having the experiences blend. As if she were two people finally converging together.  
She could see the space she lived in, she could see herself watching Buffy on the couch with Clarke for the first time and the second. She could see herself burning pancakes that she had tried to make to surprise Clarke in bed with for her birthday. She could almost even see the space through new eyes, like she had two months previously.  
After taking the time to reinspect their home, Lexa knew she needed to find Clarke, but before she turned to leave their home, her eyes caught the open sketchbook on the kitchen table. It was the only thing out of place in the entire apartment and it was almost as if Clarke had been drawing only moments before leaving. Lexa was drawn to the sketchpad and lifted it up off the table.  
The page the notebook was open to had on it a sketch of a broken mirror. Clarke never drew objects. She always drew people, specifically Lexa and their friends. She drew others as well, such as random children she saw on the streets or her patients, but never objects. Lexa closed the book then opened it back up to the first page.  
As she flipped through the notebook, she recognized the first few drawings. There was a sketch of her sticking her tongue out, another of Octavia and Lincoln tickling each other. There was a drawing of her lying on their couch, asleep. She could see the way the light hit her face. She looked both peaceful and radiant. She remembered Clarke showing her the drawing when she’d awoken, and she remembered then and as she did now, thinking that only Clarke could ever see her as something so beautiful. It was from the night before their engagement. When she flipped to the next page, she knew immediately that it was drawn after the accident. It was a sketch she’d never seen, like the ones following it. She flipped through the fragmented drawings quickly. There was the curve of her neck, a twist of her lips, the veins of her hands and every small part of her body. But they were all disconnected, in the two and a half months since the accident, Clarke had been unable to draw Lexa whole, and Lexa knew why. Because she wasn’t whole. She was in fragments of the person she once was. Lexa remembered the words she’d nearly spoken back to Clarke when she was dropped at the train, “I want to be her for you, but I can’t. I’m not her anymore. Or not yet.” But she was her, or rather, she was herself. She’d managed to find herself again, and the only part that was still missing from her was Clarke herself.  
She knew immediately where Clarke would be, so after rummaging through the junk drawer and withdrawing what she had been searching for, she left the apartment heading towards the place she and Clarke had gone for their first date.

* * *

_ In high school, I’d only been part of the rebel crowd because of Costia. We’d been friends for as long as I could remember, but she was always the one leading us around. She was the one taking charge and getting us in to trouble. She was the one who got us into parties and she was the one who got us out of getting arrested on several occasion. Getting to college, I was surprised to find that her cool-factor had rubbed off on me, and that people automatically classified me a certain way without her around. _

_I’d taken it all in stride, and sort of run with it. It was kind of cool, being the one that girls and guys swooned over. Anya, of course, had encouraged it, and the first few months at school I’d loved it. I’d learned to race and used that to get laid. As superficial as it sounds, I really liked it. That was, of course, until I won my first big race and turned to the stands and found one girl cheering for me. The moment I saw her, I was done._   
_None of the other girls mattered. And in the post-race game, all that mattered was finding that girl with the sky blue eyes and hair the shined like heaven. Anya was the one who held me back. She told me to play it cool and wait until we were leaving and accidentally run in to her._   
_Maybe though, if I’d found her right away, our first date wouldn’t be going so awfully. She was late to pick me up, which wouldn’t have bothered me usually, but she was almost an hour late. I had no idea why she was late though, because as she offered her flustered explanation, all I could do was watch her pink lips move and try not to look down at the perfect curvature of her chest. Had she purposely worn something so low cut to distract her from the fact that she was nearly an hour late?_   
_“So where are we going Clarke?” I asked. I already loved way her name sounded on my lips. Shit, I was losing it. Not only was I on a date for the first time well, ever, but I was already thinking about a second before the first had even begun._   
_“…And that’s why I…” Clarke spoke, “Wait what?”_   
_Oh shit, I realized that I’d been focusing so much on the way her mouth was moving that I didn’t realize I’d interrupted her. “Where are we going?” I repeated, raising an eyebrow at her and offering a smirk. Wow, when did playing it cool come so easily?_   
_“Oh this place,” Clarke was flustered. It was adorable. “I figured that going to the dining hall was kind of an awful first date, so I thought we could go to Lake Polis. There’s a nice little picnic area there and since its so nice out, probably one of the last warm nights for a while, I thought I’d pack us a picnic and we’d go there.”_   
_“Sounds great,” I smiled._   
_When we arrived at the lake I realized how secluded it was. There was a forest around three quarters of the lake and we were the only ones there. I nearly made a remark about how this would be the perfect place for a murder, but refrained when I saw how nervous the blonde looked when showing me the place she picked out._   
_“It’s really peaceful here,” I offered her a smile._   
_We talked a bit about our high school lives and what we planned to major in at Polis, all the while trying to ignore the fact that the food Clarke had packed kind of sucked. By the time we had started eating, the sushi Clarke had brought was warm and the fish too slimy. Nevertheless, I told Clarke that I loved sushi. That wasn’t entirely a lie, she did love sushi, she just didn’t love the sushi Clarke had brought._   
_That being my first date, I didn’t exactly have any others to compare it to, but I was pretty sure it was definitely not going to make Clarke’s list of top dates._   
_“I didn’t even realize there was a lake in Polis,” I admitted after we stood up and moved to the edge of the lake and walked out on to the dock. I could tell that if it were summer, the entire area would be swarming with mosquitos, but as late in the year as it was, we didn’t have to worry about it._   
_“I found it by accident actually,” she explained. “I got lost trying to find the hardware store and found myself here.”_   
_“Hardware store?” I asked. It was kind of a random place for a college freshmen to be looking for._   
_“Long story,” she laughed._   
_I could tell she was debating whether or not to explain further when she lost her footing. I leaned over to stop her from falling in to the lake, but instead of stopping her from falling, Clarke’s body fell on mine and before I knew it I was falling in to the water._   
_The murky water surrounded me and I could feel the algae trying to find its water in to my clothes. I pushed up on the squishy lake floor and gasped for breath as I came up above the water. Immediately I felt arms grabbing on to me and trying to help me up out of the water. It was a nice gesture, but Clarke’s didn’t exactly have great upper body strength so I ended up pulling myself out._   
_“I am SO sorry Lexa!” she exclaimed, “I’m so clumsy and all I’ve done is fuck up this entire date and I have a towel in the car. Actually since it’s Octavia’s car, it’s her towel so I’m not entirely sure it’s clean. Actually, it’s probably not clean, but you’re wet and…”_   
_I didn’t mean to, but it was so easy to drown her out when she got flustered. Not because I didn’t want to listen to her, but rather because I’d never seen anyone so adorable when they got flustered. Even after the shiftiness that everyone would have considered the date to be, it was perfect. And I knew right then, as I watched her fuss over the algae in my hair and the shiver that was wracking my body, I knew that I was going to fall for that girl. I knew I was going to fall hard and fall fast._   
_I may not have gotten a first kiss that night, but I knew there would be time for that, because there was no way in hell I wasn’t going to ask her on a second date. Only this time, it was going to be one I planned._

* * *

Lexa parked her parent’s chevy beside the black Jeep Clarke had picked out after Lexa’s old one died. She took a minute to compose herself, and after stepping outside the car she looked down at her outfit and realized how ridiculous she looked. She was wearing a pair of TonDC soccer sweatpants that were Costia’s once upon a time and a beat up sweatshirt with tomato sauce stains. She smiled though, when she realized it was Clarke’s sweatshirt, the Disney sweatshirt she’d gotten during their senior spring break. Their friends had all gone to the beach, but she and Clarke had spent the week at Disney.

Lexa patted her pocket, making sure that nothing had fallen out before trudging through the snow towards the lake. They’d gone to the lake the year before as well. For the one year anniversary of Clarke’s dad’s murder, they had sat by the calm lake. It had been unseasonably warm that day and Clarke had taken it as a sign that her dad was there with them.  
Now, a year later, the snow was starting to pick up and it was falling heavier by the minute, so when Lexa walked up to the open area in front of the lake, it was difficult to see. The snow may have been coming down hard, but Lexa immediately saw Clarke’s figure sitting on the sole bench beside the lake.  
After everything that they’d gone through in not just the past two weeks, but the past two months, Lexa wanted nothing more than just to be holding the girl she loved more than anything else in the world. She could have been all romantic and slowly approached Clarke, wrapping her arms around her from behind, but didn’t have the patience for that, not anymore.  
“Clarke!” she exclaimed as she ran through the building snowstorm towards the blonde. Clarke stared back in shock at the woman running towards her. And she knew. She immediately recognized the piece of Lexa that she’d thought had been lost forever, back where it belonged. She could hear it in her voice as she exclaimed her name, and saw it in her bright green eyes when she finally reached her, out of breath, her cheeks pink from the cold.  
“L-Lexa?” Clarke asked tentatively, her voice shaking as tears streamed down her face. In the cold, they froze on her face, but her face had gone numb twenty minutes earlier. She couldn’t feel any physical part of her.  
Lexa nodded as she felt her eyes burn with unshed tears. “It’s me.”  
The girls stared at each other for a long moment, both realizing the truth. “It’s you,” Clarke sighed.  
“Oh Clarke,” Lexa let out a sob, placing her hands on either side of the blonde’s face. Her tears quickly stopped and her eyes narrowed, “Clarke you’re freezing. How long have you been out here?”  
“Five hours,” the blonde responded. It was thirty degrees out and though she was no medical expert, Lexa knew that it wasn’t safe for Clarke to be out there for so long in the cold, and she certainly wasn’t dressed for it. “Lexa?” she spoke, her teeth chattering wildly, “I don’t feel so good.”  
Lexa saw it happening and quickly caught Clarke in time before she fell.  
“You caught me,” Clarke looked up at her, still in awe of the fact that Lexa was there with her. She briefly wondered if the cold was affecting her brain, if Lexa was really there at all.  
“Always,” Lexa offered a soft smile back, all while recognizing the fact Clarke was not okay. “We need to get you out of the cold,” she stated, but one look at Clarke and she knew that the girl would have trouble walking there. She made the split second decision and scooped her up in to her arms bridal style. Clarke wrapped her arms around Lexa’s neck and allowed herself to be carried.  
“Let’s get you somewhere warm,” Lexa offered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOMP well that was a long time coming!
> 
> In case you remember, I said that I'd be needed some of your suggestions for chapters 17 and 18. I'd love for your input. I have roughly plotted out these next two chapters, but they will be very flashback-heavy, so if there are any specific dates/events you'd like flashbacks of, either let me know in the comments or message me on tumblr!
> 
> madgirlbackhome.tumblr.com


	17. I Love You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa remembers the first time she took Clarke out on the race track and she gets Clarke out of the cold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was a really long day at work which is why this chapter is kind of short and not all of what I wanted it to be

_“Are you sure about this Clarke?” I asked for the millionth time that afternoon. While taking her to the abandoned school was my idea, it had seemed like a better idea in the abstract. We’d only been dating for less than two months and I was already asking her to put her life in my hands._   
_Clarke was wearing the leather jacket I had worn the night I met her and as she leaned against the hood of my race car, I had to admit that she looked sexy as hell. But then again, she looked sexy in everything and nothing, something I’d discovered several weeks previously. By an hour in to our third official date, we’d decided to forgo our plans of a dinner out and take it home instead back to her dorm room. And we definitely ate that night, but it wasn’t the sesame chicken we’d taken home from the restaurant._   
_And now, weeks later, after official and non-official dates and nearly constant texting, we were at the abandoned schoolyard where we’d met. She’d come to every single one of my races and called me her girlfriend after the third race, and now it was time to share the racetrack with her._   
_“I trust you Lex,” Clarke approached me, placing hands on either side of my face and pulling me in to a long, lingering kiss. After several long moments I pulled away from her, letting myself scan her body unabashedly. “Like what you see?” she asked with a smirk._   
_“Very much so,” I returned. To think that only several weeks ago I would have responded with a lie or a snarky remark, but my blonde bombshell of a girlfriend had turned me soft, making me admit to things I never would have if it weren’t for her. “Now get in the car, I’m taking you around the track.”_   
_Clarke’s sexy stance immediately fell away as she started jumping up and down, squealing and clapping her hands. I mockingly rolled my eyes at her before walking around the car and taking my seat in the driver’s seat while she hopped in the passenger seat._   
_“Seatbelt,” I looked over at her, waiting for her to buckle herself in. The track was perfectly clear and we were the only ones there, but I didn’t want to risk anything. Sure, we’d only been dating a few weeks, but the thought of something happening to her already terrified me. She smiled at me, excited, and I turned towards the track._   
_I revved the engine, she gave the countdown and we were off. I’d driven that track dozens of times in my few months at Polis and I took the curves with ease, able to reach higher speeds without the threat of other cars alongside me. I ran the three laps and Clarke cheered as we crossed the finish line and I slowed the car over another half lap before stopping._   
_“Holy shit!” Clarke exclaimed, hitting her head against the head rest. “Okay, I wasn’t even driving and I got a rush from that. I get why you race so much. I totally see how you love it.”_   
_“I love you,” the words were out of my mouth like word vomit. I hadn’t even known I was saying them until they were out of my mouth. It wasn’t a new thought, I’d been thinking about it for days, but I’d been too afraid to actually admit it. I guess my brain was ready to admit it though._   
_Clarke hadn’t said anything in what seemed like hours, and it scared me. In reality, I knew that it was only moments, but it felt like lifetimes. She slowly lifted her head off the headrest and turned to face me. The smile slowly faded in to a frown._   
_“Shit,” I muttered under my breath. I silently cursed my brain for being so stupid. It was too soon. “I shouldn’t have…” I trailed off._   
_Seeing my scared reaction, Clarke reached across the console and placed a hand on my arm, “Oh my god Lexa, no!” she exclaimed, “It’s just that, I wanted to say it first. And I was going to say it tonight.”_   
_“What?” I asked, not yet fully comprehending what my girlfriend was saying._   
_“I love you Lexa,” her eyes bore deeply in to mine. “And I don’t care if it seems like it’s too soon, because I love you.”_   
_Even though I said it first, and I had innately known that she felt the same way, it still felt like a bit of a shock. “I love that you love me,” I grinned._   
_“I love that you love that I love you,” she responded and we both devolved in to a fit of laughter._

* * *

Lexa had definitely overestimated her strength as she carried Clarke to her car, but she would do anything for the girl in her arms, especially after all Clarke had done for her. Lexa hadn’t bothered to lock the car, so she set Clarke on her feet and opened the back door of the car. Clarke crawled in to the still-warm chevy shivering, and Lexa crawled in after her.

Leaning forward into the front seat, Lexa put the keys in to the ignition and blasted the heat at full force. Clarke was freezing and Lexa knew she needed to get her wet layers off of her.  
“Come here,” the brunette said, scooting closer to her in the back row. She unzipped Clarke’s wet jacket then took her own wet sweatshirt off. “We need to get you warmed up a bit.” Lexa rested her back against the car door, then pulled Clarke between her legs, using her body heat to try and get her to warm up.  
“What happened, why are you here?” Clarke asked. She was starting to sound more coherent which made Lexa feel better.  
The brunette took Clarke’s hands in her own and created friction between then and blew on them, trying to get the blood flowing in them again. “I guess I started getting a few memories back once I left, but really they were coming before that and I just didn’t realize it. And then this morning I looked at the date and I guess it all hit me. I realized that the part of me that was missing wasn’t just my memories, but you and the person you helped me become.”  
“You remember everything then?” Clarke asked, her voice full of hope.  
“I think so,” Lexa admitted. She took Clarke’s left hand in hers, still massaging the blood back in to it, as she reached in to her pocket to find the one thing she’d left their apartment with.  
“I miss you so much,” Clarke sighed, “Not just since you left, but since the accident. Sometimes it felt like you were still here, but more often than not, I just felt so lonely. I felt so alone, even when you were there with me.”  
“You’re never going to be alone again,” Lexa insisted as she withdrew the item from her pocket. She slipped the ring on Clarke’s finger, back where it belonged. “I know the past two months have sucked, but I still want to be with you for the rest of my life.”  
Clarke looked down at her hand as Lexa slipped the ring on her finger before turning around to face the brunette, suddenly feeling warm all over despite the cold she was recovering from.  
“I love you,” Lexa spoke, her statement sure and without question. She had never been more sure of anything else in her entire life.  
“I love you so much Lexa,” Clarke agreed as she pressed her cold lips to Lexa’s. “And I could never live a life without you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as I said with the last chapter, let me know what events you'd like in the next chapter either below or at madgirlbackhome.tumblr.com :)


	18. Something Old

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa meets Jake and Abby for the first time and Lexa saves a wedding day (sort of) with something old.

August 20, 2011

_The first time Lexa met Clarke’s parents was when she and Clarke were moving in to their shared apartment at the start of senior year. At that point, they’d been dating for just under three years already and Clarke had met Tris and Lexa’s parents on several occasions, but Clarke’s parents lived on the opposite side of the country and hadn’t yet been able to visit her in college. That being said, Lexa had unofficially met her parents several times on the phone and over Skype, but it wasn’t until they were moving in together that Lexa met them in person for the first time._

>   
>  _**Lexa** : I’m shitting myself right now._
> 
> _**Clarke** : Wait, are you not potty trained? Anya failed to mention that to me and I feel like that’s information that should have been provided to me before we co-signed our lease._
> 
> _**Lexa** : I’m serious Clarke._
> 
> _**Clarke** : About?_
> 
> _**Lexa** : What if they don’t like me?_
> 
> _**Lexa** was sitting nervously in their new apartment while she waited for the Griffins to arrive. Their flight had landed over an hour previously and they _ _were due to arrive at the apartment at any moment. The apartment was still empty and while Lexa knew she could start unpacking, she was too nervous, something the girl she was texting didn’t seem to be._
> 
> _**Clarke** : Don’t be silly Lex. They already love you. And yeah, maybe this is the first time you’re meeting them in person, but it’s not like you haven’t spoken to each other before. You know them._
> 
> _**Lexa** : It’s not the same. Now they can physically see that the girl their daughter is moving in with is actually a mess._
> 
> _**Clarke** : You’re my beautiful disaster._
> 
> _**Lexa** : Stop._
> 
> _**Clarke** : Ok._

  
_Lexa knew that if she kept texting Clarke that she would just get more worked up and probably annoy the hell out of her girlfriend before she even arrived, but she glanced at her phone every few second regardless, hoping Clarke might have some more reassuring words for her._  
_The brunette sat on the floor, having nowhere else to sit, until she was started by the sound of someone fiddling with the lock on the door to the apartment. Lexa stood up abruptly and ran to the door to open it. As she opened it, Jake Griffin had just started to push the door open, causing the two of them to collide head on._  
_“Oof,” Lexa grunted as she took a step backward after the confrontation. To say she was embarrassed would be a major understatement._  
_“Well that’s one way to get this started,” Jake laughed, holding open the door for Abby to come in behind him. “I mean, you were already nervous and the first thing that happens when you see your girlfriend’s parents is that you knock heads with her dad.”_  
_Lexa could tell that Jake was just trying to make her feel better, but all it did was embarrass her even more. “Clarke told you I was nervous?” she asked, only then becoming aware that she hadn’t actually officially greeted either Jake or Abby and that Clarke was nowhere to be seen._  
_“Don’t worry about it kiddo,” Jake placed a reassuring hand on Lexa’s shoulder. It must have been a universal dad gesture, as her dad was known to do the same. “And if it makes you feel any better, Clarke was coaching us on how to act the entire way?”_  
_“Really?” Lexa asked, a smile finally appearing on her face._  
_“Oh yes,” Abby chimed in, placing the box she was holding on the ground before joining her husband and Lexa by the door. She lowered her voice an octave in an attempt to sound like Clarke, “Mom you’re not allowed to go off on tangents about safety. Dad, no stupid corny jokes, nobody thinks their funny. And no matter what, stay on your best behavior. I don’t want Lexa to see how weird you are and decide to run away.”_  
_At Abby’s imitation Lexa let out a loud laugh that Jake and Abby quickly joined in on._  
_When Jake added his own impression of Clarke, he too lowered his voice, but as his was already low, it just sounded ridiculous, “Hi, I’m Clarke and I pretend I’m not nervous by coaching my parents on what to say.”_  
_“I can hear you!” came Clarke’s voice from down the hall as Jake finished speaking that the women standing beside him laughed._  
_A moment later, Clarke appeared in the doorway carrying a box labelled, “Nerdy shit and costumes.” Her cheeks were pink from the sunburn she’d gotten while on a family vacation to Georgia and her hair had lightened in the sun since the last time Lexa had seen her. It was the longest they’d gone without seeing each other since they started dating, two whole months. The past summers they’d managed to get a few visits in, but as Clarke had been interning at a physical therapy center, she hadn’t been able to get away and Lexa had been tutoring all summer, they’d only seen each other once that summer, at the end of June._  
_Seeing her girlfriend laughing and bonding with her parents, Clarke promptly dropped the box of nerdiness to the floor and threw herself at Lexa. She wrapped her arms around the brunette’s neck and Lexa pulled her deeper in to the hug._  
_“God I missed you so much,” Clarke sighed, tightening her hold on the other girl._  
_“God?” Lexa smiled in to Clarke’s shoulder, “Please, just call me Lexa.”_  
_Clarke promptly pulled away and playfully smacked Lexa’s arm as Jake remarked, “Have I told you how much I like this girl? If anything happens, I call we keep Lexa as a daughter instead of Clarke.”_  
_Both Lexa and Clarke heard Jake’s jokes, but all they could focus on was the fact that the longest time they’d ever spent apart was over and that they never planned on doing it again. Neither girl was sure who initiated the kiss, but later at dinner with Clarke’s parents, Lexa would insist that it was Clarke and that she had a bit of class when it came to PDA around parents. To that statement, however, Clarke would bring up the fact that Lexa did absolutely nothing to stop the kiss, instead she deepened it._  
_They both forgot about Abby and Jake standing right behind them as they melted in to each other until Abby finally cleared her throat. Lexa’s face grew bright red, but Clarke just smiled._  
_“I know I told you guys that my girlfriend was this super cool racer chick, but as you can see it’s all a facade,” she gestured to Lexa’s face, growing redder by the second. “She is actually just a puppy who wants everyone to think she’s cool. Contrary to popular belief, I’m actually the suave one in this relationship.”_  
_Regaining her wits, Lexa quipped back, “Whatever you say dear, I know how you like to feel in charge of things.”_  
_Abby and Jake laughed, but Clarke now took her turn to blush. Of course, her parents had no idea that Lexa had purposely phrased her sentence that way so as to elicit a response from Clarke. Little did Abby and Jake know that their little girl loved to be in charge of things, especially in the bedroom._  
_“How about we bring the rest in from the car and then avoid unpacking by going to dinner?” Clarke suggested, ready to change the topic of conversation._  
_Three heads nodded in response and before Lexa could follow Abby and Jake out, Clarke held her back. Instead of promising to show how she could be in charge later that night as Lexa had expected, Clarke instead spoke of something else, “Are you okay?” she asked. “I know we were kidding around and stuff, but you’re not nervous anymore, are you? Because my parents really do like you. You never had to worry about that.”_  
_“It’s just really important to me that your parents like me,” Lexa admitted. “Not for my sake, but for yours._  
_“Have I ever told you that you’re the perfect girlfriend?” Clarke asked with a grin as she pecked Lexa’s lips._  
_“No, but I won’t let you forget that you have now,” Lexa smirked back, stealing a kiss from the girl and extending it past the peck Clarke had given her. They stayed their making out for several minutes until they heard Abby yelling to them to bring down the car keys, after which they broke apart and started to move in to their first home together. It was the biggest step they’d taken in their relationship so far, but it certainly wouldn’t be the last._

 

* * *

 

May 17, 2014

 _“You look beautiful,” Clarke sighed as she looked at the brunette whose dress she’d just zipped up._  
_“Right though?” the other girl smiled, spinning in a circle to show off her dress._  
_“Wow, modest too,” Raven laughed, standing beside Clarke with her arms folded across her dress, while admiring the brunette._  
_The girl stopped spinning and stuck her tongue out at Raven like a child, “It’s my wedding day, I don’t have to be modest. Everything is about me today.”_  
_“And Lincoln,” Clarke offered._  
_Raven let out a loud laugh as she spoke, “Let’s be real, this is Octavia’s wedding, Lincoln is just going to be there as arm candy.” Octavia nodded enthusiastically, agreeing with the bridesmaid. “It’s always about the bride,” Raven continued._  
_“As your Maid of Honor I must say that I’m glad that you haven’t been a bridezilla,” Clarke relented._  
_Octavia looked at herself in the mirror and smiled. She hadn’t planned on wearing a short dress as her wedding dress, but the moment she tried it on, she knew it was perfect. It was elegant, but flow and made her look like a fairy when she spun in a circle. Her hair was done in ornate braids courtesy of Lexa with bluebell flowers woven through them. She was the epitome of a flower child, hippie bride, but it suited her. Somehow Octavia managed to both a fairy princess and a warrior princess all at once, and on her wedding day she channeled the more carefree version of herself._  
_As Octavia admired herself, Clarke got a better look at the beautiful braids Lexa had dispersed through the girl’s hair and found herself wondering if Lexa would wear her hair in a similar manner when they got married. She knew it was still probably a few years off for them, but she found herself thinking about it nevertheless._  
_Clarke’s thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the door to the hotel suite opening. “I got it!” Lexa exclaimed proudly. The strap of her bridesmaid’s dress had fallen down her shoulder and her hair was up in a messy bun, but as far as Clarke was concerned, the most beautiful part of her was the smile lighting up her face as she held up a simple chain necklace with a small gold medallion suspended on it._  
_“You’re actually an angel,” Clarke sighed, hurrying over to the girl. She placed a quick kiss on the girl’s cheek and took the necklace from her hand. She then walked back to Octavia and put the necklace around her neck. “And now you have your something old,” she smiled, “Right on time, like promised.” Octavia had asked Clarke to remind her to bring the necklace that her mom had given her when she was young, before she died, as her something old. Clarke, had forgotten in the rush of things, but luckily Lexa had remembered and had left it in their car._  
_By the time Clarke turned around, Raven had already taken Lexa’s hair out of a bun and was attempting to do something with it. Bellamy had already knocked on their door twice already asking if they were nearly ready, and now all they needed to do was make the last bridesmaid look presentable._  
_“Clarke, I suck at this,” Raven gave up without really trying, “Come make your girlfriend look less like a hobo.”_  
_Ignoring Raven’s comment about her girlfriend’s appearance, Clarke approached Lexa from behind and started running her hair through the girl’s thick, wavy hair._  
_“Mmm,” Lexa cooed, “That feels so good.”_  
_“I always knew Lexa would be the vocal one in bed,” Rave laughed, hearing Lexa’s coos._  
_“Have you seriously never overheard them in bed before?” Octavia asked, incredulously. When Raven shook her head, Octavia continued, “Although I guess that makes sense. I did, after all, room with Clarke for three years. Let’s just say that there was more than one occasion when they thought I wasn’t in the room. And in case it wasn’t obvious already, Clarke is a total top.”_  
_Clarke chuckled at the same time Lexa blushed and exclaimed, “Octavia!”_  
_“You love it,” Clarke leaned down and whispered in to Lexa’s ear as she pulled the side of her hair up with a pin. Lexa generally wore her hair up in a bun or in a single braid, but Clarke always liked it down, so that’s how she left it, down with it pinned out of Lexa’s line of sight._  
_“Okay, we seriously need to get going!” came Bellamy’s voice accompanied by a knock on the door._  
_“We’re coming!” Octavia yelled back._  
_“Let’s get you a husband,” Raven smiled, patting Octavia on the back as the four of them filed out the door._  
_Clarke took Lexa’s hand in her’s as they followed Raven and Octavia out of the suite. She held Lexa back for a moment and turned her towards her. She twirled a long strand of brown hair around her finger and spoke honestly, with a not-so-innocent look on her face, “I’m going to marry you some day.”_  
_Lexa hadn’t been expecting those words to come out of Clarke’s mouth at that moment, so it took her a moment to recover. The look of shock was quickly replaced with a smile as she spoke, “I can’t wait.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EEEK almost to the end! this is crazy! Don't worry, while this chapter was all flashback, there's still some plot left for the last two chapters. 
> 
> The next chapter may have a flashback or two and the final chapter will skip forward a bit. I'm not sure if you all like having flashbacks or not so I'll try and do a better balance for the next chapter.


	19. I'll Be Wearing White

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clexa set a date that surprises people

“How are you feeling?” Lexa asked as she absentmindedly ran her fingers through Clarke’s hair, not minding how greasy it was. They’d been sitting in the idling car for nearly twenty minutes, and with the heat on full blast, they were both warmed up.  
“Like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders,” Clarke sighed back, taking the one hand of Lexa’s she was holding and kissing it.  
Lexa smiled contently, before remembering that that wasn’t what she had meant by her question. “I’m glad, but what I meant was, are you still feeling cold? Do you think we need to worry about anything?”  
“No, I’m definitely a lot more warmed up now. I’m a little tired, but I don’t think it’s anything to worry about,” Clarke reassured her fiance.  
“Do you think we should head home?” Lexa asked, “We can put on some comfy sweats and lie in bed and watch Netflix.”  
“That sounds really nice,” Clarke cooed as she sat up.  
“We can come back for the Jeep tomorrow,” Lexa offered, “I’m not worried about leaving it here, and I’d really prefer you staying in the car with me.”  
“I love it when you’re protective,” Clarke grinned as she hoped up front to the passenger seat, “And don’t think I forgot that your license is suspended.”  
Lexa hid a smile as she maneuvered her way in to the driver’s seat from the back without exiting the car. She put the car in drive and started to make her way back to the town of Polis, her right hand resting on the center console, entwined with Clarke’s. The snow had mostly stopped, though the roads were covered with a thin layer to the white substance. They travelled in silence on the quiet country roads, until Clarke suddenly ripped her hand away from Lexa’s, exclaiming, “Pull over!”  
Startled, Lexa hit the breaks hard, skidding a little in the snow. Luckily, Lexa knew how to drive under pressure and recovered quickly, pulling to the parking lot attached to a church on the side of the road. “What’s wrong?” Lexa asked, looking at Clarke with concern.  
“Lexa, this is it,” Clarke spoke calmly. “This is the church I was telling you about.” For a brief moment, Clarke wondered if Lexa would remember something she’d spoken about only casually years earlier.  
Lexa looked out through the car window at the small white church covered in snow. “The one from freshman year?” she asked. She surprised herself with her memory. It had been years since Clarke had talked about the church. The blonde had gone there multiple times their freshman year, especially when she was homesick, and several times on occasion in the years since. She wasn’t a regular and Lexa couldn’t remember the last time Clarke had mentioned going, but she did remember Clarke once mentioning how much she would love to get married there.  
“Yeah, St. Michael’s,” Clarke nodded.  
“What do you think of New Year’s Eve?” Lexa asked suddenly, an idea starting to form in her head.  
“I love New Year’s,” Clarke answered with a confused look on her face, unsure of why Lexa was asking, “A fun excuse to get wasted with friends and make resolutions and enjoy time with the people that matter.”  
Lexa unbuckled her seatbelt and turned so that she was facing Clarke directly, “What I mean is, what do you think about getting married on New Year’s eve?” she asked.  
“I was kind of hoping we would get married within the year, and not over a year from now,” Clarke frowned with a look of disappointment on her face. She hadn’t planned on them being engaged for over a year before getting married. She never understood the point of engagements that long.  
“No,” Lexa shook her head, she grabbed hold of both Clarke’s hands and continued, “God no, I don’t think I could wait that long to marry you. I don’t mean over a year from now, I mean this year. I mean marry Clarke. Marry me on December 31st. Marry me in ten days.”  
“What?” Clarke gasped, shocked. “Ten days from now?”  
“Look, I know it’s insane and obviously we have nothing planned yet, hell I don’t even know if the church will be available, but all our friends are going to be in Polis anyway for New Year’s and our families could easily be as well. But more than that, I want to marry you as soon as possible. When I first asked you to marry me, I was an idiot who risked her life for a stupid race and we both suffered from it. Life is too short to wait without reason. I want to marry you now, so what do you say?”  
The frown quickly turned back in to a grin and Clarke nodded enthusiastically, “Yes! Yes! Yes!” she exclaimed, quickly closing the distance between them and pressing her lips firmly against Lexa’s.  
When Lexa pulled back, she let go of Clarke’s hands before opening her door. “Come on,” she gestured, “Let’s go see if the church is available.”  
The smile never left Clarke’s face as she followed Lexa’s lead and grabbed her hand as they walked towards the church.  
Clarke and Lexa spent the evening organizing. The pastor of the church had remembered Clarke from her occasional visits and was more than willing to officiate their wedding, even with only ten days notice, especially after hearing their story. Lexa had texted her parents from Clarke’s phone to reassure them that she had arrived safely and that she’d be back the next day after they picked Abby up from the airport. They decided to wait until their families were together to tell them their wedding plans.  
Their families had been surprised at their announcement, but had quickly banded together to put together plans. Their friends had been informed of the wedding shortly after, with phone calls that elicited surprises, as none of them were aware of the fact that Lexa had gotten her memory back. Nevertheless, they all showed their excitement.

* * *

Ten days passed quickly, and before they knew it they were back in Polis and the day of the wedding had arrived.

“This is dumb,” Clarke pouted crossing her arms across her chest.  
“For the last time Clarke, you are not allowed to see Lexa and you are not getting your phone back,” Raven gave an exasperated sigh and she physically moved Clarke’s arms from their crossed position.  
Realizing she was getting nowhere with Raven, she turned to her mom with a pleading look. Abby raised her arms in defeat at her daughter, saying, “Don’t look at me! Raven’s right, it’s bad luck to see the bride before the wedding!”  
“But I am the bride,” Clarke gave the woman her childhood puppy-dog begging face.  
“I totally called you being the needy bride,” Octavia laughed at the interaction as she finished zipping up Clarke’s simple long white gown.  
“My duty as Maid of Honor is to make sure you stay in line and that nothing goes wrong,” Raven announced, standing directly in front of Clarke, “And that includes warding off any potential bad luck.”  
“Oh I’m so going to love being your Maid of Honor Raven,” Octavia laughed, “Making it my job to keep you in line? That’s going to be fun.”  
Raven ignored Octavia’s comment as one of their phones started to ring. The phones were all piled on a bedside table and before Clarke could lunge for it, Raven cut her off. She found the ringing phone, Clarke’s, and answered it.  
“Hey. No. No. Are you kidding me?” Raven sighed in to the phone, “Okay yeah, I get it. Yeah yeah, that makes sense. And you’ll be on the other side, just in case yours decides to try something? I’ll make sure mind doesn’t either. Okay, see you soon.”  
“Who was it?” Clarke asked.  
“Tris,” Raven offered, “It seems as though Lexa is being just as annoying with her as you are with me. She wants to see you too.” Clarke opened her mouth to respond, but Raven lifted up a hand to stop her, as she wasn’t finished speaking. “Tris is escorting her here as we speak. But before you say anything, you’re not allowed to see each other. We’ll crack the door so you two can talk briefly, but that’s it.  
Clarke nodded, at that point realizing that anything was better than nothing. She had spent the previous night at Raven’s apartment while Lexa had stayed in their’s with Tris and it had been nearly 24 hours since Clarke and Lexa had spoken at all thanks to their respective Maid of Honors taking their phones away.  
A knock came on the door and Clarke rushed towards it. Raven, however, was closer to the door to start with and got their first.  
“Tris? Is that you?” she asked.  
“Yep!” Tris yelled back.  
Raven cracked the door and stuck her head out. Clarke heard muffled voices for a moment before Raven returned to her. “You have three minutes,” she said authoritatively as she gestured for to where Clarke could stand so that she could speak to Lexa, but still have her sights blocked by the door.  
“Lexa? You there?” Clarke asked.  
Raven took a step back to allow the brides privacy, whispering as she did to Abby and Octavia, “Clarke is going to die when she sees Lexa.” The grin on her face proved that while she liked being in control, she loved watching her friend be happy even more than that.  
“Hey Clarke,” Lexa spoke back. All she wanted to do was slam the door open and see Clarke, to be closer to her.  
“I missed you.”  
“I missed you too.”  
Both girls were quiet for a moment, but it was a comforting quiet.  
“80 days ago you had no idea who I was,” Clarke finally broke the silence. She’d counted the days the night before and they were the first words that came to her head.  
“I proposed to you 81 days ago,” Lexa returned.  
“We’re getting married today,” Clarke couldn’t help but grin at the obvious statement. She could hear Tris laughing at her from behind the door.  
“Do you ever wonder what would have happened if you hadn’t bet on my car?” Lexa asked, bringing up the reason they met in the first place.  
“It wouldn’t have mattered,” Clarke shook her head. “You were there. I would have seen you and made up some excuse to try and talk to you.”  
“I’m glad you bet on the underdog,” Lexa spoke and Clarke could hear the smile in her voice.  
“It’s time to get going,” Tris spoke insistently.  
“I can’t wait to see you,” Lexa admitted.  
“I’ll be the one in white,” Clarke laughed back. Before Raven could see what she was doing, she reached her hand around the open door. Surely it couldn’t be bad luck to just see a hand? She felt Lexa’s soft hand grasp it and a moment later felt her almost-wife’s lips gently press down on her hand. She could hear Tris growing impatient and Lexa finally gave Clarke’s hand a final squeeze before dropping it.  
“See you at the end of the aisle.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW  
> only one chapter left! This is crazy! I can't believe that this story is almost done! I'll post it tomorrow :)
> 
> I'm thinking of started a series on one-shots, probably aus so if you have any prompts, send them to me on tumblr  
> madgirlbackhome.tumblr.com


	20. December 25 2015

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And a year has passed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last installment...

**December 25th 2016**

“Clarkey-pie, it’s time to wake up,” Lexa spoke in a sing-song voice, kneeling down beside the bed with her face close to her wife’s face.  
“Why are you so loud?” Clarke groaned in response. The blonde pulled the covers over her face, hoping to avoid the sunlight. She and Tris had gone drink-for-drink the night before and the college freshman clearly had a better tolerance than Clarke did. Lexa, on the other hand, had purposely stayed out of the competition, knowing exactly how it would end.  
“I brought you bacon,” Lexa pulled the plate out from behind her back and held it up to where Clarke’s face hid under the covers.  
Even beneath the covers, Clarke could smell the bacon. “Is it turkey bacon?” she asked hesitantly.  
Lexa laughed as she responded, “Yes, turkey bacon. Dad got up early and made it.”  
Clarke slowly removed the blanket from her face and peeked out, one eye open and the other shut. She stuck her head out like a chicken and sniffed the food. A smile grew on her face and she opened her mouth. Lexa shook her head at the girl before hand feeding the blonde a piece of bacon. Clarke hummed in content as she chewed the piece of meat.  
“You just about ready to head downstairs?” Lexa asked, sitting back on her haunches.  
“It depends,” Clarke rolled on to her side and propped herself up on her side, “Did Santa come?”  
Lexa let out a loud laugh and kissed her wife on the cheek. “Yes,” she nodded, “Santa most definitely came. And everyone is waiting for you so they can open their presents.”  
“What time is it?” Clarke frowned.  
“Nearly noon,” Lexa responded, the smile never leaving her face.  
“Wait really?” the blonde asked. She then registered the fact that the smile hadn’t left Lexa’s face once. “You’re real smiley this morning,” she remarked.  
“It’s Christmas,” she said, that in itself enough to keep a smile on her face.  
Clarke got a better look at what Lexa was wearing and smiled. The brunette was wearing a pair of red and white striped footie pajamas. “I like your outfit,” the girl giggled.  
“I got you a set too,” Lexa’s giggle matched her wife’s as as she stood up and grabbed the matching set, though green and white instead of red and white and threw them to Clarke. Clarke finally got out of bed to get changed. She’d only worn a large t-shirt and underwear to bed, so when she pulled it over her head, Lexa couldn’t help but stare. They’d been married nearly a year and together for years before that, but still the sight of her nearly-naked wife made her mouth go dry.  
“Like what you see?” Clarke smiled while she stepped in to the onesie and zipped it up.  
“We are so cute,” Lexa laughed as she wound her arms around Clarke’s body and kissed her cheek.  
“I don’t remember Christmas ever making you this sappy before,” Clarke remarked.  
“It must be the married life,” she smirked back before taking Clarke’s hand in hers and leading her downstairs to the living room. They’d been living in their new house now for six months and it was finally all put together and decorated in time for Christmas.  
They’d started looking at houses in early spring, but had waited two months before they found the perfect house. It wasn’t in Polis, but rather just outside of it. The house was set in a somewhat rural area that allowed for them to have a large front and back yard. The house was two stories, with three bedrooms on the second floor and a kitchen, living room, dining room and office on the first floor. The master bedroom had an ensuite bathroom and then two other bedrooms were connected with a Jack and Jill bathroom. It had been a bit more than they had wanted to spend on their first home, but it was just too perfect to pass up.  
“Oh my god, you guys are so cute I’m going to barf,” Tris said as she watched her sister and sister-in-law walk down the stairs hand-in-hand wearing coordinating onesies.  
“Look who finally graced us with her presence,” Abby laughed looking up from her position on the couch was she sat with Marcus, the man she’d now been dating for a year.  
“Ha ha,” Clarke rolled her eyes, pulling Lexa in to the living room. It was the first holiday she and Lexa had hosted in their new home, and with Cleo, Patrick, Tris, Abby and even Marcus looking at home in the living room, the house felt even more like a home than it ever had before.  
Lexa settled in to the remaining open seat, a plush arm chair, and gestured for Clarke to sit on her lap. The blonde wrapped an arm around her wife’s shoulders as she sat on her lap.  
“Now that Clarke’s finally up, can we open presents now?” Tris asked, still a child at heart as shown by the enthusiasm she was exuding.  
The family all laughed at the teenager before agreeing to start. Being the most enthusiastic, Tris volunteered to play Santa, passing out the presents from underneath the tree to their respective recipients. Once the presents were passed out, they each took turns opening their gifts.  
Tris opened first, as none of them wanted to hear her complaining about having to wait. Her parents had gotten her a few pieces of Ark University apparel and Clarke and Lexa had gotten her a Fitbit, but it was the present from Abby and Marcus she got the most excited about, tickets to see her favorite band in concert the next month.  
After Tris, they continued to take turns opening. Clarke had received mostly art supplies from everyone. Lexa got a new leather jacket from her sister. Lexa and Clarke had gifted Cleo and Patrick a gift certificate to the nicest restaurant in TonDC. Abby and Marcus received vouchers for flights to return to visit Clarke and Lexa.  
When they finally finished opening their presents, Clarke sat with one hand brushing through Lexa’s brunette curls while helping explain to Tris how to set up the Fitbit.  
“Hey Clarke, I think there might be something in your stocking,” Lexa spoke in to her wife’s ear, pointing to the hanging stockings above the fireplace. The two stockings there, Lexa and Clarke’s had been purely for decoration, not for use, so she was understandably confused by Lexa’s statement.  
“You sure?” she asked, turning around in Lexa’s lap to look behind her at the stockings, and sure enough there was a slight lump in the stocking embroidered with her name. She stood up, grabbed her stocking a shook out a wrapped box from it.  
With a confused look on her face, she brought it back to her seat, Lexa’s lap. The rest of their family stopped their side conversations to watch Clarke open the gift. The blonde first shook it, listening to the contents. She frowned as she realized it made no sound.  
“It’s from you, right Lex?” Clarke asked, looking at her wife.  
Lexa merely shrugged and gestured for Clarke to open it, “You’ll have to open it and find out.”  
Giddy with excitement, Clarke untied the red bow, then carefully tore off the gold wrapping paper to reveal a nondescript white box. It was a square box, approximately six inches in each dimension. The blonde lifted up the lid of the box, revealing tissue paper, the explanation as to why Clarke hadn’t heard anything rattling when she had shaken the box.  
Clarke started to remove the tissue paper, until she finally revealed the gift inside. Her hands shot up to her face, covering her mouth in surprise and the box tumbled to the floor.  
“Oh my god,” Clarke’s voice was shaky with both surprise and excitement.  
“What is it?” echoed the voices of Abby and Patrick while the others craned their necks to try and see the box’s contents.  
Clarke looked at Lexa, running her shaky hands through her blonde hair as she repeated, “Oh my god.”  
“If you keep calling me God, I’m going to have a massive ego trip,” Lexa joked, all the while smiling brightly at Clarke’s reaction. The girl’s reaction was even better than she expected.  
“Oh my god!” Clarke repeated again, though now with less shock and more excitement as she through her arms around the brunette, kissing all over her face.  
Their family was now on the edge of their seats and unable to contain her curiosity any longer, Tris actually scooted off her seat and looked to the ground by Clarke and Lexa’s armchair, immediately recognizing the object that had fall out of the box. She squealed loudly and pointed at it, speaking in an almost incomprehensible tone.  
Both Lexa and Clarke were oblivious to what was going on around them. Lexa wrapped her arms around Clarke and kissed her properly on the lips. Their family was freaking out with excitement behind them, but the couple only cared to focus on each other.  
“How did you manage to keep it a secret?” Clarke asked when she finally could contain her excitement and stopped attacking Lexa with kisses.  
“By imagining what your reaction would be when you opened that present Christmas morning,” Lexa smiled back.  
“That’s why you’ve been so smiley all morning,” Clarke finally put two and two together.  
The girls finally turned, ready to tell their family, but it was unnecessary as they’d all now seen what was in the box and were all swarming them, ready to provide hugs all around.  
Lexa looked around the room and imagined what would have been different if she hadn’t gotten in a race car the night of her engagement, or if she had never regained her memory. They say everything happens for a reason, and Lexa finally knew that to be true. She could feel the love in the room, and the love growing inside her more and more each day. She looked at Clarke, and without even saying the words, she could tell in the girl’s blue eyes that she understood exactly what Lexa was feeling. Love and family.  
Once upon a time, a studious freshman was dragged by her roommate to go watch an illegal street race. At that race, the freshman placed a bet on a car, and little did she know at the time that the driver would change her life for ever, and she would change the driver’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's it folks! Let me know what you thought and feel free to send me prompts for anything new :)  
> madgirlbackhome.tumblr.com


	21. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A few years later...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I know I said the last chapter was the last chapter, but reading all your comments got inspired to tack on an epilogue. I still stand by my decision to leave the ending open-ended about the box, but inspiration struck and I had to write this.
> 
> Full disclosure: this is not a fluff epilogue. Yes, there may be an ounce to fluff to it, but it also includes a healthy dose of angst.

**October 15, 2023**

 

Willow Griffin-Woods knew that the day was a sad one for her parents, but they’d also assured her that it was a day of letting go. It was nearly 7 pm, and most of the attendees were already congregated in the open park. Some mingled with friends and strangers, while other huddled as couples or families. The Griffin-Woods family was one that sat by themselves.

  
They’d arrived to the service early, wanting to make sure they were able to get three candles in case more people show than there were candles for. They sat in a comfortable silence, but none of them were able to keep their hands still. Clarke sat braiding her daughter’s hair. The girl’s curly brown mane was almost identical to Clarke’s wife’s, and over the years she’d learned how to maneuver her fingers through the perpetually knotty hair without hurting the girls whose hair she would braid.

  
While her mom braided her hair, Willow sat fiddling with her glasses. She’d taken them off to allowed her hair to be braided easier. Willow had worn glasses for as long as she could remember. She was born on July 28, 2017, several week premature and before her eyes had been able to properly develop. As a result, Willow was fitted for glasses when she was only several months old.

  
Lexa sat close to her wife and daughter, her elbow occasionally brushing against the blonde as she carefully wrote with sharpie on the white candles. It seemed silly, but she wanted them each to look perfect. Clarke should have done it, she thought, she was the artist after all. She finished writing the date “8/8/23” on the candle just as a voice announced for everyone to come and join in a circle. Lexa looked to her family and Clarke tied off Willow’s braid before they all stood up.

Lexa handed the first candle to Willow. One side of the candle read the words, “Baby Boy Griffin-Woods” and the opposite side of the candle read, “1/3/19”. Willow looked at both sides before giving Lexa a hug. It was on Willow’s first birthday that Clarke told Lexa that the artificial insemination had taken on the first try, just as it had when Lexa was pregnant with Willow. And imitating Lexa’s only reveal, Clarke had given her a present to open. Only, instead of placing a positive pregnancy test in a box in a stocking, Clarke had wrapped up a t-shirt that was Willow’s size that read “Big Sis”. Clarke was six months pregnant pregnant, two days after they had finished painting the baby’s room light blue.

  
After handing Willow the first candle, Lexa took one for herself and handed the third to Clarke. The candle Lexa held read, “Baby Girl Griffin-Woods” on one side and “2/14/21”. Clarke was eight months pregnant when she had her second miscarriage. They’d opted to go out for one last nice dinner for Valentine’s Day before the baby came while Abby and Marcus watched the three and a half year old Willow. It was while they were sharing a piece of chocolate cake for dessert that Clarke yelled out in pain. She’d clutched her stomach and looked up in horror at Lexa. Lexa never forgot the look of pain in her wife’s eyes as she reached down between her legs and lifted up the hand coated in blood.

  
Lexa wrapped an arm around Clarke as they walked with their daughter to join the growing circle. As they joined, the family remembered the last loss they’d suffered. Willow had just turned six and was able to actually get excited about the prospect of a younger sibling for the first time. With remembrance of the two losses they’d already suffered, Lexa and Clarke had remained cautiously optimistic. After the first two losses, they’d tried to determine if Lexa could carry a child again, but with all the complications that came from Willow’s premature birth, she’d been rendered infertile. Still, Clarke had taken the chance on the pregnancy. She’d been extra cautious and her OB-GYN had even put her on bedrest for the last month of her pregnancy.

  
In the early hours of August 8th, Clarke had woken in discomfort. Sensing her wife in distress beside her in the bed, Lexa had immediately woken up. She feared the worst, but after calling the doctor, they’d been pleased to learn that Clarke was in labor. Abby and Marcus had been staying with them for the last month of Clarke’s pregnancy and stayed with Willow as Lexa and Clarke went to the hospital. Their son was born just after dawn. And he was lost to them just before midnight. The doctors said it was SIDS and there was nothing that could have been done to prevent.

  
Once they were all settled in to the circle, the leader, an older woman spoke, “Today on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, we light candles in memory of the children that were lost to us before they had a chance to live.”

  
Clarke couldn’t concentrate on the words the woman was saying. She stared down at the candle she held, “Jacob Griffin-Woods” it read. Because he hadn’t just been a “Baby Boy,” he’d been given a name and had taken breaths. He’d cried and had been held by his family.

  
The woman lit her candle first before sharing the flame to either side of her. The flame traveled in a circle. Finally the light came to Clarke, who shared it with Willow, who in turn shared it with Lexa.

  
It was the first of one these events the family had ever been to. It marked the end of a painful part of their lives. They weren’t going to try and get pregnant again. As much as they had always talked about having more children, they’d always wanted four in total, it wasn’t worth the pain. Lexa and Clarke loved Willow more than anything else in the world, and they would still feel whole as a family with just the three of them. They’d made the decision the night before the service that they would fill out applications for adoption. They knew that adoption was a long process and that nothing was certain, so while they were hopeful that it would work, they had come to terms with the fact that their family may end up just the three of them.

  
The candles were all lit and the leader spoke a prayer, she then gestured for everyone to blow out their candles. The Griffin-Woods family each blew out a candle, one for a boy who would have had a light blue room, one for a girl who would have had birthday parties in the snow, and the third for a boy who felt the love of his family for the eighteen hours he lived for.

  
The group began to disperse and Lexa pulled her wife in to a long, tight hug. “We’re going to be okay,” she whispered in her ear. Willow joined the hug and her parents looked down at her. They pulled away from each other to allow their daughter to squeeze between them and join the group hug. If there was one thing they knew, it was that they were going to be okay. If history told them anything it was that not even the worst things in life would break their family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now that's actually it for real this time.  
> I'd love to hear what your thoughts were on the story/epilogue and if you preferred the original ending, or the epilogue better!
> 
> I'm planning on starting a few one-shots so send me prompts :)  
> I might get one up this weekend, but "I don't know about you, but I'm feeling 22"...aka my birthday is this weekend as well as NYC pride so I may not actually have time to write anything.

**Author's Note:**

> let me know what you all think so far either below or at madgirlbackhome.tumblr.com


End file.
